Archive for February, 2008

Celebrations and Gratitude

I’m pleased to announce that my work was referenced by IBM Fellow Grady Booch in an article on Innovation:
http://www.odbms.org/blog/2008/01/grady-booch-on-innovation/

I’m honored!

Thank you Grady, and thank you so much those of you who contributed to this acknowledgment being publicized.

Gratefully,
Gail

Triad 3 – Strife and Loneliness

Here’s the 3rd part.

But I realize there’s a snippet missing – the one about “Love/Strife”.

Here’s a bit about it:

In the book Reality by Peter Kingsley, he talks about how history has been twisted by thousands of years of misinterpretation of our “philosophical fathers”, specifically, Parmenides.

For example, according to Peter Kingsley, Parmenides was misquoted to say “judge by reason”, when the original Greek, “krinai logoi”, logoi didn’t refer to reason, or thinking at all. Rather, says PK, if we take context and culture and meaning of the time this phrase was written, it was written by a man with a deep, intimate connection to the nature of “thumos”, meaning “the raw energy of life itself”….a man who actively practiced “incubation”, a practice of isolating oneself in total motionless stillness for days, a practice which would give rise to a silence in the mind, and open into an entire other state of awareness, called “hesychia”, from within which divine inspirations and awakenings and teachings arose…a man who refers to himself in his poem (through the voice of the goddess) as “kouros”, a word not only meaning ‘boy’, but also representing a tradition including “Iatromantis” – healer-prophets – where even the word “prophet” meant different than it does now – nothing to do with future-sight but everything to do with “someone whose job is to speak on behalf of a greater power”… So this “kouros”, in referring to “logoi”, didn’t mean “thinking” at all, but rather, that place of stillness (hesychia) and the teachings from within it. According to PK, the “Judge by reason” which has been the root of all thought for thousands of years, was a grave mistake – “The Greek text as it has been handed down to us is wrong” (p134). Parmenides didn’t mean “judge by logic”, but rather “discern with your hesychia” – PK says, “And this is what logic once used to be. It was a fine, fine thread connecting us with another world: a gift from the gods, a magical lure drawing us into oneness.”

As if that wasn’t enough to rock my world over Christmas, revealing to me that my own inclinations, my own intuitions, may have come to me by pure genetic hard-coding, that the very practice I had been in that two weeks was reminiscent of my ancestors practices, and the voice that’s guided and driven me for so long was one my ancestors were intimately aware of, intimately engaged with…

As if that wasn’t enough, then there was another mindblower (among many PK offers).

This was about the true face of Aphrodite – Love – in his poem. According to PK, we have misinterpreted “Love” as the good-guy, and “Strife” (death, separation, the separate / oneness that is the state of non-duality) as the bad-guy to be avoided — when in fact it is the reverse (if we’re going to play games of good and bad) — that Love is the illusion that lures us, keeps us blinded into the illusion of non-duality…that even as we reach for communion with other, reach for love, we are reinforcing the false limitation-of-perception that says that we are separate, that we are incomplete, in need of other, thus roots our perception into a state of believing this dual realm Is Real…that in fact Strife, Death, is a return to our origin, our original state of non-dual, of oneness with the Infinite Omniscient Omnipresent… That in this manifest realm, “everything is a dream”, and that our true return “home” is thru Strife, death, returning from the blissful deceptive illusion of love and duality and the physical world, returning back again to the non-dual, the oneness. Strife is the good-guy, the Origin, the Source….Love is the illusion we CHOSE to crate, chose to buy into, so that we could enjoy Experience. The eyeball can’t see itself, so if you’re omniscient / omnipresent / infinite, there is no such thing as Love, because there is no other, and there is no contrast. Love is the force that keeps us in “forgetting” who we most deeply Are. “Love traps the soul while Strife sets it free.” (p409). This reminds me of David Deida’s teachings on the duality in the physical realm of Love and Freedom. But I digress.

So now you have an insight into the context, in my core, the context of “Love and Strife” that will make this next third of the triad make more sense.

I’ll call this entry – Loneliness

—————–
So – I had a nightmare about Grady being dead; woke feeling so lonely, so devistatingly lonely

and suddenly i remember….”love/strife”….”the sandbox”….
and while i’m crying i chuckle – isn’t this grief quaint…

“then, connecting with the loneliness of it….i had a sudden ‘epiphany’ about ‘lonely’ not as a bodymind trauma, but as THE ORIGINAL soul-level trauma.”

here’s what i mean

i’d previously had an ‘insight’ about how ‘separation’ was a early
soul-level trauma. the experience of being separate from Infinite Creation,
the frustration of living in a realm that doesn’t create as instantaneously
as Source, that moves more slowly, that takes time to click peices into
place

i’d previously come to terms with the ‘black paint’ entry – the ‘good enough’ -the nature of this realm – flawed by design – there’d be no mutation if not for dna enzymes selecting ‘good enough’ – if it did perfect reproduction, we’d never change, never evolve, there’d be no anomolies available for new outcomes to emerge. the nature of this realm is imperfect. i came into contact with the part of me that had a bodymind subtle-belief i’d been carrying for lifetimes about ‘trying to get it right’, when ‘by design this land isn’t capable of ‘right’, it’s the nature of duality for there to be flaws, to have it all go wrong – that’s WHAT WE CAME here for – imperfect so that we could see ourselves – duality IS the original manifestation of imperfect, where perfect is omnicient/infinite/omnipresent – unable to see itself, to experience and i came to terms with the invitation in this bodymind experience to do imperfect as an act of play in the sandbox – do as best as i can with what i have. to remember that this realm was for play, for experiencing, and to remember not to take the sandcastle making so seriously.

then i woke from this grady dream and i felt – so so so crushingly lonely in the world. so crushingly lonely. then i remembered Peter Kingsley’s ideas around love (coming together, communion, the act of duality) and strife (aloneness, death, stillness) – where he tries to get us to see his sense of the original meaninig in Parmenides writing – which is that strife is really not the ‘bad guy’ to be avoided, but the original source, the ultimate destination, the truth that LoveAsIllusion attempts to obscure, that Love deceives us into forgetting.

and in putting 2 and 2 together i realized – THIS IS the original soul level trauma. If what I knew before (that separation / slow creation frustration is an early-soul trauma), i suddenly saw that this loneliness isn’t a bodymind trauma, but an “Original Sin” – the original soul trauma. It goes like this:

As Source we feel alone – as everything, as infinite, as omnicience,
we know everything, remember everything, so there’s no way to
see ourselves, b/c there is nothing outside of Self to witness Me.
There’s also no way to enjoy Joy, the joy of experience,
or experiencinig a part of Experience, because there is no way
to experience ‘a part’ without remembering the whole.
Thus there is only stillness.

So for the joy of feeling ‘a part’, for the joy of being able to forget
Me As All so that a part of me can see Me, I chose duality. I
chose to Be A Part (to be apart) (to split off into non-omniscient
parts).

Then, here as bodymind, i forget who I Am. And in this forgetting,
I feel lonely, and in this forgetting, I reach for love and communion
– a kind of call to restore to the Oneness that I am – a natural
outcome of the choice to be apart / a part. And in the longing for
communion – Love – i remain rooted in this illusion, this apartness.
it’s the very quest of seeking communion with something else
that is the making of me not whole, not full, not Allness. Love is
the very force that makes manifest reality possible. She is the
very sorceress of this Realm. The paradox is that here in this
Realm where we are all “companioned” as dual beings, we are
lonely.

Then as spiritually awake ones we remember – ah, i find my
sense of “un-lonely” again when i remember who I Am. When I
tune into Me as Infinite Self – i’m not lonely anymore. How can I
be lonely when I Am All Things? When I Am Everything? So as
bodymind I rediscover my unlonely through remembering Me as
Infinite Self. I have access to all. What is there to feel lonely
about?

But then it hit me –

How could I feel alone when I am infinite?
I – infinite – is precisely WHY I feel alone. I Am.
(I am alone + I Am All Things = nondual = singular = Alone!!)

Then, as my journal entry invites, I turned the experience of
lonely back onto Self, looking thru bodymind eyes of lonely,
back to the Self As Lone-ness, As Singularity, seeing the
original “sin” of Original Aloneness Perceiving infinite nonduality.

Lonely seeing Original Loneliness.

and suddenly i felt absolutely calm.

From here, noticing my bodymind experiencing lonely is kind of
funny – it’s the Infinite Joke – strife isn’t a bad thing (but loneliness
feels bad). Strife is the return to Source of Who I Most Deeply Am.
My quest for communion in my loneliness isn’t the sweet
resolution love paints it to be. Love is the very artist creating this
experience of the non-dual world – the very jailer who keeps me
bound in the cycle of seeking another – the very warden who
constructs for me the emotional jail of the illusion that i am
separate and that communing with another will fill me. Commun-
ion with another wont fill me, first b/c this whole realm is an
illusion, and second because the nature of who I am as nondual
IS STRIFE, IS ALONE, IS SINGULAR / EVERYTHINGness. There’s
no escaping it at the deepest level because it Is who I Most
Deeply Am.

“first i had a grady dream, woke crying…”
“then, connecting with the loneliness of it….i had a sudden ‘epiphany’ about ‘lonely’ not as a bodymind trauma, but as THE ORIGINAL soul-level trauma.”

————
we’re destined to feel lonely because that Is who We Most Deeply Are.
there are 2 things we can do with it –
we can buy into The Realm Illusion,
we can choose to forget who We Are, and we can buy into Love –
seeking after love, communion, another to be together with.
and we’ll find moments of respite, maybe even years of it
and we’ll be together with other and remember we’re still lonely
no one will ever fulfill that void, because Void Is Who We Are.
but we can enjoy the illusion and forget for a while if we want.
and enjoy Love.
or we can turn consciousness back onto itself,
finding stillness and peace by being with the Strife that Is.
the nature of Oneness is Singularity – Aloneness.
there’s no escaping it except by forgetting
and in this ultimate remembering, we have a possibility of grays –
we are never alone b/c we are Infinite
we are always alone b/c we are Infinite
we can find Love therefore we’re never doomed to be alone
we’re always alone because the Realm within which love lives,
is just an illusion, and Love is the maker that keeps us here.

My lonliness in the world isn’t a bodymind trauma –
It’s the nature of My Very Soul, Essence.

When I’m feeling the most desperately lonely, I’m not crazy – I’m connected to the experience of Godforce.

Triad 2 – The Dream

Here’s the second of the triad…

The third part was triggered by this entry.

2/10/08 – Grady dream

first i had a grady dream, woke crying,
i’ll write back about that later.
then, connecting with the loneliness of it, i remembered the whole
– love / strife thing – laughing at the strife i was feeling, inviting unite w/it (from the book “Reality” by Peter Kingsley)
– seeing the images of dna reproducing, the enzyme that clicks
molecules into place, even when they’re not quite perfect,
resulting in mutation, evolution, change. clicks in the ones that
are “close enough”…
and had a sudden ‘epiphany’ about ‘lonely’ not as a bodymind trauma, but as
THE ORIGINAL soul-level trauma.

that’s 3 sections of notes for me to write about.
ok here goes.

———————————–

“first i had a grady dream, woke crying…”
i had a nightmare:

– hotel heart attack – part one
i was lonely without him, in our hotel room, waiting. 1/2 dressed.
i call him – his phone rings just outside my door, he’s there!
so i open the door, wanting to surprise him
but it’s me who’s surprised – he’s there in bed with another woman
he didn’t realize our room was right next door.
i leave, terribly distressed. eventually he comes to me,
still 1/2 dressed. i’m upset.
“i’m POLY you know.” i cry out to him, “you could have told me”
i’m crushed he didn’t just tell me, that i had to discover it.
the betrayal of his withholds – his lies of omission.
so i’m upset and i’m heatedly expressing it at him,

he has gifts for me (large-storage hard drives, a disk for them)
he says, “Gail please” – he’s trying to change the subject
but i’m hurt and unresolved.

but he says, “Gail please” and holds his heart – a sudden pain,
he falls – i catch his toppling body as he hits the floor
nothing i can do – he’s dying of a heart-attack
in my arms, both of us barely clad, he’s dying in my arms.
and there’s nothing i can do.

– the funeral – part 2
i’m walking next to J at the funeral,
a young girl walks between us. i can feel J’s loathing,
her resentment. she’s barely able to even tolerate me there.
i am stone cold. in denial. i can’t look at his body in the casket.
i won’t. i’m in denial. i can’t believe he’s dead.

– the dream – part 3
i am sleeping, and i have a dream – he’s alive.
but i don’t know i’m dreaming.
in this dream i’m crying, telling him all about
how i’d dreamt he’d died, how i couldn’t accept it.
how i kept expecting his call, expecting him to return.

– the waking – part 4
i wake and realize me having been with him was just a dream.
i can’t believe he’s gone.
i do keep expecting his call, expecting him to return.
i keep having conversations with him as if he’s there.
i speak out loud to him, trying to soothe my broken heart
trying to come to terms with the fact that he’s gone,
when everything in my system refuses to register that he’s gone.

– the lawyers – part 5
he’s gone…and J won’t honor my part of the will.
she has taken the gifts he had for me (the hard drives)
she won’t give them back to me. she doesn’t see them as mine.
she sees them as hers. she won’t honor my part of the will as
she sees it as “already fulfilled” – she’s using her money and
her highly-paid lawyers to squeeze me out – i can’t compete
with that. she’s playing loophole games of saying i already
received what he promised me in the time he was alive –
she’s using her money – his money – to defeat me.
using his money – him – against me. i leave, helpless to combat it.

– the end – part 6
i’m sitting on the floor. i’m so lost without you.
i’m crying. i feel so unmet in this world. my body misses you.
my soul is devistated without you in this world.
i’m so alone without you.
i’m trying to swallow it – trying to swallow
that again there is no audience in this world for my voice,
for my deep being.

i feel so fucking alone in the world.
—–
i awaken, terrified he’s dead, crying the grief of his passing, terribly lonely.
i call but i get his machine. i log in but he’s not there. i email him.
i can’t stop crying for how alone i feel.

and suddenly i remember….”love/strife”….”the sandbox”….
and while i’m crying i chuckle – isn’t this grief quaint…

“then, connecting with the loneliness of it….i had a sudden ‘epiphany’ about ‘lonely’ not as a bodymind trauma, but as THE ORIGINAL soul-level trauma.”


I’m not crazy – I’m connected to the experience of Godforce.

(see part 3)

The Triad Entries – Part 1, The Sandbox

So since my 2-week meditation the end of Dec, lots has been going on.

Grady says I should post it. So I’m going to.

Here’s the first of a triad of experiences blowing my mind.

Love,

Gail

1/2/08 – The Sandbox

i was angry, so i called eric to do something with it. i’m sick of how my greek genetics and firey temper can interfere with my desires to cultivate collaboration and connection around me…

it started out we were looking at different members of my “inner community” – the part of me that is frustrated (wanting things to grow, wanting my own integrity as a strategy for hope about that)….- the part of me that’s angry (impatient, frustrated, wanting to be met, wanting more ease)…

here are the abbreviated notes – i’ll call this entry ‘the sandbox’ entry

….

the servant, the educator, the phenomenon

– the phenomenon -people not paying attention, or not keeping up with me

– the educator – “you should know better than to get irritated about it”

– the servant, who IS irritated:
“there’s no room for anything else”
“get out of my way”
“i’m willing to resort to force
if it means getting them out of my way”
“sometimes they need a bat upside the head to get out of my way”

very seriously committed to being the vehicle she’s meant to be
very committed to fulfilling her purpose
very tenaciously driven to be the vehicle she’s meant to be

rigidity – no room for anything else

even compassion for humanity pales in comparison to
this commitment

demand, attachment, rigidity

(when a part wants sthing to go away – don’t give empathy to the part you want to disappear — give empathy to the part that WANTS it to disappear)

– it shouldn’t be there, it’s not helping anything
commitment to spiritual integrity, loving kindness w/others
an even higher commitment to spiritual integrity
than the commitment to being the vehicle

nauseus

rigidity and attachment here

commitment to spiritual integrity – “commitment” means to be
an opening but it’s not, it’s closure. it’s a ‘no’ to all
else.

instead of spiritual integrity being a thing of joy and play
it’s been a thing of tension and feeling troubled

the problem to stay ‘on track’ about

tension releasing in my neck and jaw

the reason it’s a problem is b/c
i’m scared of not fulfilling my imperative

holy huge – really really scared of not fulfilling my imperative
dealt with that scared by applying force – discipline
tight tension

really scared of not fulfilling my imperative
“can’t let that happen again” (as if something transcending this lifetime is driving me)

terrified and upset and resistent

can’t do that again

imperative / demand

can’t do that again

disappointed / nauseous grief

disgusted / horrified / sad for what i’ve done before

grief / remorse / sadness

(now doing healing work)

‘can’t do that again’ isn’t so rigid anymore, no longer a strategy,
now it’s just a pure expression of pain / grief

so want to do it right

Then suddenly I heard a voice

my eyebrows release

“there IS NO getting it right, here.”

“what makes you think you’re supposed to be able to get it right, here?”


laughing now – the humor of trying to get it
right, in a realm that expressly was not
meant for that.

like trying to get pink paint out of black
you can try as hard as you want,
but you aint’ getting any pink outta that.
but the sincerity of trying is cute
kinda cute and endearing and ..silly…

“btw, who told you you have to paint in pink?
no one said you have to do that.
paint in black. it’s ok. that’s what you have.”

con artists, gun holders
paint in black. it’s what you have.

(things i would have considered out of spiritual integrity)

eric: sounds like you still have a goal for spiritual integrity
but you now also have acceptance for how things are

paint in black
there’s no getting it right here. this place wasn’t MADE for that.
remembering that this is BY DESIGN
remembering that this is what’s meant to be at the moment
spiritual integrity – do it right part –
you’re saying my ‘trying to get it right’ is an ILLUSION???
what are you saying??
do you know how many lifetimes i’ve pained for not doing it right?
i picked up this belief that there was a ‘right way’ i ‘should’ do it
and you’re telling me i made that up and it’s not true?
i hear it, i get it, but i have a lot of habits around it.
makes it hard for me to even grok

it flies in the face of what i’ve believed for so long
but it RESONATES
(this place wasn’t made for that)

this place was made for EXPERIENCING. not for getting it right.
HOLY CATS

this is a SANDBOX
it’s meant to be PLAY
you don’t see kids getting all turbulent over an
imperfect sandcastle – it was meant to be play

tentative mischief rising – well if i don’t have to get it right, there’s
a lot of fun i could have.
a lot of fun i could have in the sandbox when i’m not
all bent about trying to make the perfect
castle.

what if someone doesn’t hear again? (not paying attention)

well i’m not going to get bent b/c sand on my castle isn’t in place
i’ll try try to move it again
partially don’t trust me now tho b/c of my habits
getting REALLY really really serious about the castle
kids get REALLY SERIOUS about making sandcastles
its’ a creative act
it’s an act of self-expression

(now i have compassion for WHY i get so
serious about it)

(gives me hope for my sense of humor about me / my work
instead of taking myself so seriously.
yes, the creative act / self-expression is precious
but it’s just a sand castle. i can go to another box.
or build something else.

just watch – where i buy into the demand / illusion of the sand castles
notice where – out of a desire for creativity / self-expression,
i inadvertently slide into demand energy
paint in black. you’re not MEANT to get it right here.
this place wasn’t built for that. it’s by design.
have fun in the Experiencing.
“If all you have is black paint, go with it! Paint in black.”

(click here for part 2)

MmmmmmmmMusic-Honey

OMG Have you heard of Pandora yet?  Seriously – check it out:
http://www.pandora.com/

I’d been bouncing off the walls all weekend, and this rescued me.

Mmmmmmmmmm

Pandora what would I do without you?

*chuckle* Lyrics of the day

Love this.

 All U Can Eat – Ben Folds

“Son look at the people lining up for plastic
Wouldn’t you like to see them in the national geographic?
Squatting bare-assed in the dirt eating rice from a bowl
With a towel on their head and maybe a bone in their nose
See that asshole with a peace-sign on his licence plate
Giving me the finger and running me out of his lane

God made us number one because he loves us the best
Well maybe He should go bless someone else for a while, give us a rest”

Humor Help Desperately Needed lol

Would you be up for helping me out with this? 

1.  it needs a humor injection pretty desperately.  what and where?  any thoughts?
2.  would you add your vote just to help me populate the voting section?
3.  would you rank the top 10 list (pick your favorite item and bump it up the list) to help me give that some energy?
10min only – i swear!


And if you like squidoo enough that you get the insane idea to put up a page yourself, would you use my referral link please?  It earns us both $5. 

 
Can’t wait to hear your ideas on spicing this thing up!
Curious,
The Gail-ster 

Thank you Love!

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