Here’s the second of the triad…
The third part was triggered by this entry.
2/10/08 – Grady dream
first i had a grady dream, woke crying,
i’ll write back about that later.
then, connecting with the loneliness of it, i remembered the whole
– love / strife thing – laughing at the strife i was feeling, inviting unite w/it (from the book “Reality” by Peter Kingsley)
– seeing the images of dna reproducing, the enzyme that clicks
molecules into place, even when they’re not quite perfect,
resulting in mutation, evolution, change. clicks in the ones that
are “close enough”…
and had a sudden ‘epiphany’ about ‘lonely’ not as a bodymind trauma, but as
THE ORIGINAL soul-level trauma.
that’s 3 sections of notes for me to write about.
ok here goes.
“first i had a grady dream, woke crying…”
i had a nightmare:
– hotel heart attack – part one
i was lonely without him, in our hotel room, waiting. 1/2 dressed.
i call him – his phone rings just outside my door, he’s there!
so i open the door, wanting to surprise him
but it’s me who’s surprised – he’s there in bed with another woman
he didn’t realize our room was right next door.
i leave, terribly distressed. eventually he comes to me,
still 1/2 dressed. i’m upset.
“i’m POLY you know.” i cry out to him, “you could have told me”
i’m crushed he didn’t just tell me, that i had to discover it.
the betrayal of his withholds – his lies of omission.
so i’m upset and i’m heatedly expressing it at him,
he has gifts for me (large-storage hard drives, a disk for them)
he says, “Gail please” – he’s trying to change the subject
but i’m hurt and unresolved.
but he says, “Gail please” and holds his heart – a sudden pain,
he falls – i catch his toppling body as he hits the floor
nothing i can do – he’s dying of a heart-attack
in my arms, both of us barely clad, he’s dying in my arms.
and there’s nothing i can do.
– the funeral – part 2
i’m walking next to J at the funeral,
a young girl walks between us. i can feel J’s loathing,
her resentment. she’s barely able to even tolerate me there.
i am stone cold. in denial. i can’t look at his body in the casket.
i won’t. i’m in denial. i can’t believe he’s dead.
– the dream – part 3
i am sleeping, and i have a dream – he’s alive.
but i don’t know i’m dreaming.
in this dream i’m crying, telling him all about
how i’d dreamt he’d died, how i couldn’t accept it.
how i kept expecting his call, expecting him to return.
– the waking – part 4
i wake and realize me having been with him was just a dream.
i can’t believe he’s gone.
i do keep expecting his call, expecting him to return.
i keep having conversations with him as if he’s there.
i speak out loud to him, trying to soothe my broken heart
trying to come to terms with the fact that he’s gone,
when everything in my system refuses to register that he’s gone.
– the lawyers – part 5
he’s gone…and J won’t honor my part of the will.
she has taken the gifts he had for me (the hard drives)
she won’t give them back to me. she doesn’t see them as mine.
she sees them as hers. she won’t honor my part of the will as
she sees it as “already fulfilled” – she’s using her money and
her highly-paid lawyers to squeeze me out – i can’t compete
with that. she’s playing loophole games of saying i already
received what he promised me in the time he was alive –
she’s using her money – his money – to defeat me.
using his money – him – against me. i leave, helpless to combat it.
– the end – part 6
i’m sitting on the floor. i’m so lost without you.
i’m crying. i feel so unmet in this world. my body misses you.
my soul is devistated without you in this world.
i’m so alone without you.
i’m trying to swallow it – trying to swallow
that again there is no audience in this world for my voice,
for my deep being.
i feel so fucking alone in the world.
i awaken, terrified he’s dead, crying the grief of his passing, terribly lonely.
i call but i get his machine. i log in but he’s not there. i email him.
i can’t stop crying for how alone i feel.
and suddenly i remember….”love/strife”….”the sandbox”….
and while i’m crying i chuckle – isn’t this grief quaint…
“then, connecting with the loneliness of it….i had a sudden ‘epiphany’ about ‘lonely’ not as a bodymind trauma, but as THE ORIGINAL soul-level trauma.”
I’m not crazy – I’m connected to the experience of Godforce.