For those of you who know me really well, you know that I have a very vivid and detailed dream life. It informs me, guides me, and I like to say it helps my brain to “defrag”.
Well I had a defrag dream last night. About Grady. Again.
If you know me really really really well, then you know that Grady (for better or worse) was the great love of my life, albeit a relationship of only a year, which has been over since April (please don’t ask me why yet – if you don’t know already, I’m still not yet ready to talk more about it).
I added the dream to my digital journal this morning, but what I realize is that my brain is still trying to debug him from my system.
No it’s not that. The dream was about being with him again. About enjoying the sweet things I cherished, like the contours of his face. The joy of just *being* together. It was my subconscious trying to give me what I so miss; to soothe me.
In this relationship, I was fully me – fully the kind of person I’d want to be in relationship – more wholly and deeply than I’d ever been before. In this relationship I was more given than I’d ever been in my life – fully given.
I’ve grieved him over and over. I’ve come to peace about his choices, and mine. I’ve forgiven his mistakes, and mine.
And yet still my unconscious is poking at me and making me see where I still ache to be with him.
I’d given myself permission to take six months get over him. But clearly I’m still enmeshed. I keep hearing the echoes of his last words to me, “How can we end this in a way that honors the sacred we shared?” and his subsequent behavior (not responding to any contact from me – after 3 tries I stopped trying, I’ve not heard a peep from him since).
It’s been six f*^%$ months. When will I be over him??
This is deep enough that I’ve written off sexuality for the time being – frankly the thought of being sexual with anyone disgusts me – which for me is absolutely unheard of. This isn’t the longest I’ve gone without taking a lover (the longest being a year), but it’s the longest I’ve felt this alienated from my sexuality. Clearly this breakup hurt and continues to hurt – deeply.
I’ve even tried all my own methods for healing. I can peel back layers of the onion, but evaporating the subject seems impossible. So I step back and let it be, telling myself not to force it. But 6 months?? It was only a year relationship!
Meanwhile my Witness is noticing how much my body/mind continues to learn because of that relationship, and I believe in a bigger meaning to all this, something transpersonal, something I can’t yet see.
But I’m still confused about why I still have heartbreak and dreams of him and yearning for what we had, even after all this time.
You’ve had break-ups before!
What’s YOUR prescription for mending a broken heart?