Last few days' chaos

Woof..what a last few days it’s been.  and “ugh” for my behavior during it.  ah well.

In the form of a sorta-recap, here are notes someone added (and asked me to add) to my facebook page:

Status: Gail is moved with deep gratitude and humility for having received divine guidance.

From Parenthesis Eye: What’s the divine guidance about?

My Reply: 3 bits –

First, I discovered that my lifelong striving for financial independance was rooted in resisting my childhood home ex: “can’t go back there” – a place where my needs weren’t met or accounted for. Liberating the grief of this wound, I feel free of fears I’ve had my whole life.

Second, I found that I don’t have to resist my self-doubt – it’s part of my ego-death — embracing that I and my friends will always fail me (in the ultimate – we’ll die one day!) — and in this embrace I am left with no choice but to allow myself to dissolve in sweet surrender to That which Lives me – giving myself over more fully than before to Listening to The Universe (or whatever you want to call it).

Third, I realized that my behavior of the last 4-5 days was a return to old habits (choosing action out of my mind’s intentions – and fear) rather than the practice I’ve held rigorously for 45 days now – a commitment to only act from That Which I Am Most Deeply Called To.

From Parenthesis Eye: Wow… That’s big.

I’m wondering – regarding this last part mentioned – how do you switch *back* to how you want to be acting?

My Reply: Mmmm…it’s already happening…a recommitment to choosing to sit and listen, and to discern when i’m acting out of the state of ‘deep guidance and equanimity’ or when i’m taking action out of ego/thoughts/fear. I’m also happily recommitted to trusting/remembering that whatever action i take out of that ‘deep guidance’ will take care of me (always has).

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