random tears (a poem)

i was just watching house
a guy wanting to die a painful death
so that he can know he was something different in the life of the nurse
he just wanted to make life different somehow
make a difference

i cried
i just want to make a difference
people mate and propagate to make a difference
people kill, build, campaign, and get depressed
all because they want to make a difference
mark’s bitter because he feels like he can’t make a difference
no one hears or sees the face of the Divine that he is
because of the clothes he wears

we all just want to make a difference

it’s sad and tragic
and sweet, somehow
in a dark way


7 Responses to “random tears (a poem)”

    • 2 Gail Taylor February 24, 2009 at 9:07 am

      Ah, writer hiding behind the name Jehovah and RushLimbaugh and GodsOwnFool,

      What a great teacher you are for me! THANK you!!!!! Keep it coming!

      In your belittling words you’ve mirrored back to me my own pain, which helped me open to it, release it and heal it.

      In your barrage of posts you’ve shown me lots of attention, and love, which helped me see how much you ache for it, and how much I do too, which gave me compassion toward you. I still think you choose jerky actions, but at least I see that you’re not a pure animal.

      In my resisting your posts you’ve shown me a path to more of my own liberation, an opportunity to free myself from the insults and attacks of others who lash out in their pain and fear. I had an image of watching the comments fall like stones at my feet. The hostility is just simply not meaningful to me.

      What a great gift you’ve given me in that one!!

      I also notice that I like it when ppl are moved in inspiration by my posts, and I haven’t liked it when they’re moved into trigger and disagreement or lashing out. Why not allow myself to enjoy ALL of it?

      Which also reminds me to notice the places where I’m not enjoying other posts – and seeing opportunities for me there too.

      Meanwhile, I hope you find the freedom and communion you seek through being intentionally sarcastic and nasty.

      I hope one day I can find the humor in being a jerk to others for the sake of inspiring them to open.

      To me, the challenge you’ve provided me is a great bringer of wisdom.

      Thank you thank you thank you!

      PS: zzzzzzzzzzz

  1. 3 Jehovah Jireh February 24, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Gail…I’m not really trying to belittle or lash out at you. When I read your post about people I like(which I no longer see on your site) and hear such profanity and desire to have them shut down it really bothers me. My words were to that affect. You were quite hostile and nasty in your post towards these people that I like. I just thought coming from someone of your job status and stature that it seemed very immature. That’s why I said I wouldn’t want you for a life coach. I’m not gonna lie…your type of thinking and reasoning is very “out there” to me just as I’m sure my expressing Christian views are flawed to you. I had to look up the word “poly…” whatever to understand what you were saying about that. That’s some strange reasoning that you espouse when trying to help others with this perverted lifesytle. I just don’t get it. If I have been hostile I apoligize. My true intent is to let you know that the one true God, who created you and the world around you has a greater plan for your life than even you know. You speak of spirituality…but I speak of the Holy Spirit that God sent to be our comforter and guide in this life. I’ve know some that have chosen your path and are still empty inside because spirituality without Jesus has no true value. You’ve obviously been around enough to have heard some scriptures…right? God so loved the World that He gave his only begotten son that whosoever believes on him should not perish, but have everlasting life”. That’s the life you truly need in you…that eastern mysticism is going to destroy you in the end(I say this in all seriousness), not as a put down. When I hear you speak I sense a true, sincere heart but I just can’t understand what you are saying. God’s words are spirit, life and truth and Jesus is truly all that you need. The very creation around you and your own conscience tell you that there is a greater one out there, but He’s not going to force you to believe in him. Yet in Romans it says, “For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead so that they are without excuse.” It is saying that you or I because of creation and conscience are without excuse for not believing what God has offered us through Jesus Christ. In terms of environmentalism the bible speaks of a time when men will worship creation more than the creator and that’s that problem with the whole green movement. It has been turned into a religious movement for those who do not believe in the one true and living God. Woshipping creation not only means “mother earth”, but idols and other people. So there it is…I think your ways are leading others and yourself down the wrong path. You probably think the same about me but that’s okay. At least we have dialogue now. I pray that your eyes will be opened to the truth of God’s love for you. “There’s a way that seems right to a man, but the end thereof is death” Psalms

  2. 4 Gail Taylor February 25, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Jehovah,

    Thank you again for what you wrote! I’m enjoying it!

    As to the subject of Jesus –

    Don’t you sometimes call him Jesus, and sometimes call him Lord?

    My Jesus is no different than your Jesus – I merely use different words. And I often use the words God, or Holy Spirit, or The Divine. Or Source. Or Love.

    Is it wrong to speak Portuguese and right to speak English? No. They’re just 2 different languages.

    It’s ok that you don’t understand what I write – we speak a different language. That doesn’t make what I write wrong, it just means we’ve not dialogued enough for you to understand my language.

    Can you find room for different languages that have the same meaning and source?

    You imagine I think what you’re doing is wrong. I don’t. I don’t think anything is “wrong” or “wrong path” about you or what you’re doing. I just understand that we speak different languages – and I can speak yours whenever I wish. It’s just not the only language I speak.

    Don’t assume I have no relationship to Jesus. You don’t know me at all. My first commitment is to Jesus; I am married to Him before all else.

    Thank you for reminding me that this is true of you and of Rush and Ann, too. In the same way I use different words to represent the Face of the Divine, and your words hope to remind people of that Sacred Face, I see that Rush and Ann are quite probably trying to do the same thing.

    Finally, thank you Jehovah, for this email – it shows me there’s no difference between us, fundamentally.

    For example, I see no difference between what you call my “profanity” being hostile and nasty, and the hostile and nasty in (your, or Rush’s, or Ann’s) use of sarcasm, or spin or belittling.

    And I see no difference between you wanting my post shut down, and me wanting Rush and Ann’s behavior shut down.

    At least I’m not hiding behind a fake name and email address, or screaming my pain on national TV.

    But none of us is behaving “maturely” or consistent with Christian values when we do that, are we?

    You can’t ask for less of what I did without asking for less of what you and Rush and Ann did as well. Well, you can, but that’s the definition of hypocritical.

    And me, I have to remember that my job is absolutely the same – I can’t accept my own behavior (expressing pain-based irritation) without accepting that maybe you and Rush and Ann did pain-based behaviors, too.

    I still don’t like the choice. Nor do I like my own pain. But that’s my lesson to learn – that it’s up to me to enjoy the rain as much as I enjoy the sunshine. It’s also my lesson to learn that neither “nice words” nor “mean words” are less holy. They are all consistent with trying to bring forward greater Divinity, aren’t they.

    What about you?

    Still chewing on it,

  3. 5 Jehovah Jireh February 25, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Dear Gail…I was really trying to be nice you know…yet you still seem to have some anger issues. This really isn’t meant to be about Ann or Rush. It’s meant to pin point exactly where you are in your spiritual walk. By the way why did you take your Rush and Ann Bash down, and then put it back up? Just curious? Anyhow…you say that I don’t know you but I really do. I may not have met you, but I do know you. By just reading your posts one can tell what kind of a person you are. You jot down practically every thought you have throughout the day so all I have to do is read that to get to know you. “Out of the abundance of the heart…the mouth speaks” is what the bible says. I am not coming down on you, but if your first commitment and marriage is to Jesus then why do I not hear you telling people about Jesus or leading them to Jesus? If Jesus is first why are you endorsing polyamory? In the bible it also says “by their fruit you will recognize them” speaking of how you can recognize what a person is. Your may say Jesus, the divine, spirit mind or other words that have “spirit” attached to them…but that doesn’t mean you are a Christian. Jesus says in John that a man or woman “must be born again” or born spiritually by making him the Lord of their life. There is no other name under heaven by which men may be saved. Are you a born again Christian Gail? If so I should suspect to see different fruit coming from you. This is not a matter of us speaking different languages…this is us being from two different worlds in the spiritual sense. That’s like saying Jews and Muslims are fundamentally the same in their beliefs when they couldn’t be more different.

    I’m not sure where you get that I want to shut your post down. I just stumbled across it, made some comments and you commented back. You see I still believe in freedom of speech. You have every right to say and believe what you do. You may not be screaming your pain or ideologies from TV, but you do a pretty good job of telling others of your pain using the online forum so what’s the difference. Don’t tell me if you didn’t have TV noteriety that you wouldn’t use it. As far as the fake name or email address that you are troubled about…it’s not important that you know who I am as much as it is important that you truly know who Jesus is. Jehovah Jireh simply means God is my Provider. God’s own fool is a song about the world seeing you as a fool because you believe in Christ. And well…I don’t have to tell you who Rush Limbaugh is. I can already attest of your love for him.

    My desire is just if you don’t know Jesus…that one day you truly will know him. I mean a personal relationship. I mean actually hearing that still small voice in your heart and knowing God has given you direction or a word from heaven. If can be yours. I’m not saying join a church, become a Repbulican or something like that. Being that you are so openly spiritual I just want you to know that Jesus can take away the pain…Jesus can heal all the hurts. Only Jesus can love you if you’ve had a past full or wrongs done against you. It’s not gonna happen through yoga, divinity teaching, buhda or some other TM technique. This is all it really comes down to with me. Romans 10:9,10 in the Bible says “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and with your mouth confession is made unto salvation”. It’s all as simple as that. I sense some kind of anger and hostility towards God or the church with your whole “unchurch grace” thing and that’s okay. I just wanted you to once again know that Jesus loves you and that God truly has a divine plan for your life. Accepting Christ empowers you like never before so I hope you will consider this.

    Congrats on your move and your life. You are loved with an everlasting love……Peace

  4. 6 Gail Taylor February 26, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Hi again Jehovah,

    Thank you again for your comment! For such a lengthy conversation I wish you would take it to a real email address rather than here.

    But since we *are* here, let me answer your question about my (post up) then (post down) then (post up again).

    When I put it up, I was exercising my practices. One of my practices is freeing myself from fear, and I have had a life-long fear of speaking my truth. I have worried so much about how others could react that I bite my tongue. This time, I chose to bring (even the worst of) my private journal to my personal blog-space, attempting to exercise my ability to allow my truth to come out without fear.

    When you sent (not one, but 5) comments that landed for me as sarcastic and nasty, it really pushed my old buttons and bothered me. I couldn’t handle more of that from others yet, so I made the post private to give myself time to address my sensitivity. I needed to look at why I was in reaction.

    I did.

    Because of that work, I don’t feel as reactive to that kind of behavior as I did before. (btw thank you for this huge gift)

    So since I’m not now feeling so triggered, my priority to practice (speaking my truth without fear) is still on the table. So I put the post back up. I’m testing myself, and so far, so good.

    Does the risk of being harassed and belittled still make me nervous? Yes, a bit. But way less. Like I said, I’m still chewing on it and still have more to integrate.

    Meanwhile, your parallel between my blog and national TV continues not to include the obvious difference — called “personal responsibility”.

    I didn’t nip AT Rush or Ann, but ABOUT them. I didn’t ask people to take action, I explicitly said that “my loathing is my work”. (You apparently missed that. Now who’s work is that?).

    This is my personal blog, to my personal circle. It’s not a professional forum, I am not a renown pundit. I have enough self-control to separate out when I’m upset, and own that it’s because I have work to do. I don’t see that in Rush or Ann. Nowhere do I ever hear Rush or Ann own their personal pain and admit personal responsibility to work it out.

    Speaking of personal responsibility, have you noticed the volume and lengths you go to to push Jesus? Do you realize that this reveals an issue about YOUR insecurity, not others’?

    How effective do you imagine you will be when you push your agenda at a stranger three times before ever sitting back to ask them what they already think and feel? What are YOU afraid of?

    You say you think I “still have anger issues” – what you don’t do is demonstrate emotional maturity or your compassion or my truth and call it what it is – me working on my pain in my personal space and taking responsibility for it.

    Finally you asked lots of great great questions – questions I wish you’d started out with —

    Questions asking me how my actions reflect my marriage to God/Spirit/Jesus….

    Questions about my history with Him, and whether or not I’m “born again”.

    I could give you my short answer and say, “Yes I’ve been saved – and I’m ordained”, but what would that matter? It’s obvious your questions are just looking for another way to find a chink in my being human so that you can make me less than you. Your behavior obviously isn’t coming from an open heart of sincere desire to get to know me. You demonstrated this by asking about me only AFTER nipping at me. You made me guilty before the trial. Why would you think I’d find it worth the breath to share my heart with you given how you approached me? Have your actions shown you to be a trustable person?

    Anyway, I’m not going to describe my deepest commitment to the Divine *here*. On a video maybe…in a book maybe….in a conversation, absolutely. But a typed blog comment space? It’s just not enough space.

    Should you find a more spacious forum for your questions, and prove that you’re actually coming from a desire to connect with me as a friend and not from some hidden agenda to make me wrong, then I’d love (love with a softness that absolutely moves my heart) love to share myself with you more than I already have here.

    And that limit, too, reflects work I have available to do.

    Wishing you well,
    and profoundly grateful for the teacher you have been for me,
    and still chewing on my opportunities for opening,


  5. 7 Jehovah Jireh February 26, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Hi Gail, I applaud you for reposting and the reasons you gave in doing so. I understand personal victory and see this as such. Thank you for letting me know. Once again…Glad to hear of your victory.

    Your initial comments were much the same as far as pushing buttons. In speaking as you did towards Rush and Ann it bothered me as well. You thought nothing about your own comments or those of Joy Behar, who is never kind towards anyone that I have ever seen. I don’t make it a point to watch that show, but she’s not the sweetest person there is. Rush, Ann or others like them speak with passion and conviction because of what they believe. The weren’t the ones saying “f” this and “f” that. They wern’t the ones like Ms. Behar who has in the past called Rush a Nazi. They have passion for things that they believe just like you do or I do so what’s wrong with that. It’s okay to raise your voice now and then and that’s what they do. Again, my intent is not to belittle or make your nervous. I was just thinking you might be able to see the other side of things instead of just mocking Republicans and the such. I just kind of doubt that Rush or Ann are into owning their personal pain as you put it. I doubt that they even know what you are talking about there so as far as them working “it” out you may want to give them a break.

    Why does my speaking about Jesus reveal insecurity? I am a big enough person to admit insecurity, but speaking about Jesus is not what equates to that. Again, you are easy to figure what you are all about. You may be a stranger, but your heart is plastered all over your posts so it just isn’t that difficult to figure out what you believe. You again speak of your own pain and you taking responsiblity to deal with it. All I am saying is you can cast all of your cares on God and then YOU don’t have to be the one to deal with it. You speak of pain alot so all I am saying is whatever “pain” you may be carrying or dealing with…why not get rid of it once and for all instead of continuing to bring it up? My intent is not to try to find a chink in your being human and try to make you less than me. That’s the furtherst thing that I would try to do with anyone. The reason I came to Jesus was that I knew who I am in myself is nothing and were it not by God’s grace in my life today I would be even less. Based on what I read from you I just didn’t see “the fruit” that I mentioned in the last post. If you say you are a Christian I will take you at your word. I would have just expected to see differnt fruit than TM or other such items that you espouse as a part of your belief system. Those beliefs tend to clash with true biblical Christianity. If you aren’t truly a Christian all I was trying to do was point you in the right direction. That’s pretty much my hidden agenda. My desire is not to prove you wrong. I know you are a sincere and deeply spiritual person. I just hope you are entertaining the right spirit here.

    For what it’s worth you are actually starting to sound like a real person instead of an excerpt out of some Shakesperian play that I can’t understand.(That’s meant to be humorous…just in case you are wondering)


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