This post aspires to be a transmission – as best as i can render one – of the experience that’s more and more a part of my daily life. Generally this kind of experience arises only as I consciously evoke it, but the awareness of it emerges in me many times a day.
It’s one thing to consider states of consciousness. My experience, however, is another.
Dear friend Ken Wilber does the most brilliant job I’ve seen yet of putting states of consciousness into words –
– gross-body – most obvious in the awake state – awareness of people, places and things around me. Awareness of the tangible realm. Perceiving myself as separate.
– subtle-body – most obvious in the dream state – awareness of intangible things like my mind’s eye’s images and my emotions, the ‘energy’ of other people, places and things, the ‘field’ of energy that connects us, the tendrils of heart strings we can choose to extend to others (or not), the Shamanic cords we can choose to disconnect when a relationship is no longer; the felt-sense. Perceiving the realm of we-space (between me and all things) as an energy exchange.
– causal-body – most obvious to us in the deep sleep state – Integral Theory students first talk about cultivating this consciousness by cultivating awareness of The Witness; i (as personality, lower-case “I”), i learn to cultivate greater objectivity – an awareness of myself, my thoughts, my emotions, people, places, things and actions as they all arise within a field that is separate from a greater Me-ness; this awareness is the awareness that remains when i am no longer confined by the perception of my personality. They call it Big Mind, Big Heart. This place is a peaceful place, a quiet place of deep joy, deep infinite resourcefulness, of infinite equanimity. Perception as Stillness. Stillness as Perception.
Students later talk about cultivating experience of the causal-body as something even beyond that – an Is-ness. A formless such-ness. As This Awareness, I see Self, mySelf, no longer as that personality, but as One-with-everything, while at the same time I can be aware of the aspect of me by my name this lifetime that is my personality. I see that bodymind both as part of Me, as My creation, and also see that I am that, only not only that. I am he and I am she and I am Creator and I am the created. And I see that all Is. For me as a personality, my state experiences of this are beyond any kind of bliss or Big Love or equanimity – It Just Is. And as there is nothing to push against here, there is no fear. All Just Is. And I am clear that It All Is Exactly As It Was Meant To Be. And so too, Creation Is – Exactly As It Was Intended. And so am i, the personality, both chosen to be as i am, and exactly as i was intended in each moment. Perception of perception; perception of All As All, as Creation created by Me All as Creator.
As the personality of Gail Taylor, i find it hard to put words to that experience of Is-ness.
I could tell you that one day I experienced my left hand as the entirety of the universe. With the ring finger and thumb connected It Was the feminine principle. With the two forefingers together, extended, It Was the masculine principle, and with the form of it It Was All Form. I can’t explain it really, I can just tell you that that was absolutely clear, obvious and evident to me.
I could tell you that one day I experienced being made love to by the Universe, as if little butterflies of the very energy of creation were in Divine Communion with every cell of my body and my being…and from behind my closed eyes I saw both a stillness of infinite nothingness, and also saw a small point of radiant blue light. I can tell you that for 3 days after that experience my limbs tingled and I felt connected with all beings, all the time. That blue light I saw – I learned years later they call this the Blue Pearl. I can’t tell you why my limbs tingled for three days.
I could tell you that I routinely experience an exchange of essential (fem/masc. essences – essence-ial) subtle-body energies that push my personality open beyond my daily contractions of fear, into a space of liquid openness and peace. I can tell you that my heart yearns routinely for this, for this energy penetration that opens me beyond where I can open myself.
I can tell you all of those things, but what’s even harder for me to express in words, is this:
When invited to experience each of these distinctly, as an exercise, one at a time, in a linear fashion, I don’t. That’s not how it shows up for me.
Instead I experience them all arising simultaneously, with only my attention drifting from one level to the next, from one moment to the next, as I wish.
During a class Monday this last week This Emerged through me again.
Even describing it fails. Words don’t cut it, because writing words means writing sentences means telling one thing at a time, means linear expression that defies the very experience of experiencing many things all at once!
But I’m going to attempt expression anyway.
Imagine a circle. Now imagine this circle like breath – expanding, then contracting, like the iris of an eye. Sometimes the iris suddenly collapses in on itself, shrinking to a little pea, sometimes it gently expands open, not with effort, but like a soap bubble opening to it’s greatest inherent opening capacity.
I call this “the Iris”. And when I experience this, I know the center of the iris to be my personality. I know a second circle around my bodymind to be the subtle field of my personality first opening, floating open to its greatest opening right now, then with a word or a glance re-contracts in on itself, then fluctuating opening, closing, closing more, opening again.
Now imagine this iris not as just these two circles but as a set of several concentric circles. At the center I Know my personality and my subtle field. At the third concentric level out from the center I Know My Witness. This circle contracts and expands less quickly, less actively, but there are moments My Witness is more caught in my personality, and moments My Witness is less caught up in my personality.
Now imagine a fourth layer on our concentric circles. At the outer-most layer there is Everything, and such a Divine Stillness.
When I see the Iris, I don’t see one circle at a time. I see many. I don’t see first my personality then my subtle body sense then my Witness then my Causal awareness. I see them all. At the same time, each with its own rhythm of opening and contracting (or not), each with its own perspective.
Of course I don’t “see” these circles – I just feel them. I know them.
They don’t just live for me as circles.
During class when I tried to bring words to this experience, I also, at the same time, saw them as lines. Four parallel lines, like fingers. Four perspectives, all operating simultaneously, all arising in parallel to each other.
– I as me the personality of (my name)
– I as him, as her, as plants breathing in my breath and me breathing in theirs, feeling their power strengthen mine, me as the felt sense of the interconnecting tendrils and the subtle field
– I as The Witness, witnessing little me, witnessing the planet, witnessing all people and bugs and clouds and space
– I as Isness, formlessness. It Just Is. And It Is Good.
I could shift my attention between them to focus on any one, but even as I shifted my perspective to one or to the other, each time, I felt all four. I didn’t lose my sense of the others as my focus shifted, if anything, in shifting my focus my sense of all four in concurrent operation also heightened.
These Concentric Iris Circles, these Four Parallel Lines, this multiplicity of perspective from which i can shift my attention to one or another more or less greatly in any moment, but experiencing them all arising at the same time, this is the experience in class on Monday that i had a hard time putting words to – until one word surfaced organically –
Feeling them arise, simultaneously. Feeling my observation of them, from four observation points, arising simultaneously.
My personality perspective AND the pool of energy – oh it rippled when he moved or when she shifted AND me as them, them as Faces of Me AND me as the Witness of my personality, witnessing experience, witnessing this and that arising AND me as Isness, as Play As The Manifest Realm, me as All-ness, as Creator and The Created.
And as each of these perspectives lives and breathes, they inform me (the personality). They all speak with a different voice, they each have a different flavor of information.
And I enjoy the guidance.
So why am I writing this?
I’m writing this to counter my personality habit of separating myself, telling myself, “They don’t experience it the way I experience it,” and shyly hiding in my solitude.
I’m writing this to exercise my capacity to Transmit; to be a conduit of Transmission. How would I be capable of Transmission? Is there such a thing? Am I able to convey experiencing from my own experience into the experience of another – just in the telling?
And finally I’m writing this in hopes of conveying that Transmission.
Would love to hear back. Houston, are we reaching?
All of that, and this too,