To understand the Top 3 Mistakes That Make People Miserable (and how to fix them), it helps if you understand the reality of who you are.
Who are you?
You are more than mind, body, spirit.
You also have actions, that arise out of your beliefs that come from your satisfied or unsatisfied emotions, that are stimulated when your core values that are either met or not met.
You are also inseparably entwined with an interdependent environment, that also interacts with and shapes you.
Let’s consider these aspects the other direction.
When you interact with your environment, your core values may be fed, or not fed. When they are fed, you feel delight, satisfaction, fulfillment, peace; you feel joy. When your core values are not met and fed, you feel frustrated, unsettled, upset; you feel pain.
Pain is uncomfortable. So when we feel pain we are moved to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. We form stories, beliefs, and assessments about the cause of the problem, and who or what is to blame. We try to figure out ways to stop the pain from happening again.
Once we’ve formed a belief or story about the cause of our pain, we then formulate steps to stop the pain from continuing. We take action, interacting with our internal or external environment, to protect ourselves from pain.
You are more than just mind, body, spirit. The Landscape of You includes 7 Aspects – mind, body, spirit, heart (emotions), gut (core values), action and environment (interaction). When you understand The Landscape of You, you can more easily recognize, fix and avoid common daily pitfalls.
How does this change your specific day-to-day choices?
Top 3 Mistakes That Make People Miserable
(and how to correct them)
1. You used to believe your emotions or pain are caused by someone or something outside you. That’s a mistake and it disempowers you. What’s real is that your emotions are like the grumble in your stomach when you’re hungry – they are simply signals pointing out, “HEY, some core value in you is hungry!” Your job is get really good at quickly noticing WHICH core value(s) is/are needing to be fed. Your emotional stomach isn’t grumbling because it’s someone else’s fault. Your emotional stomach is grumbling because some core value in YOU needs attending to.
To correct this mistake, practice noticing EVERY SINGLE moment you are triggered (upset, frustrated, or judging someone). In that moment, STOP, take two breaths, and ask yourself, “Which one of MY core values is wanting attention here?”
When your stomach grumbles, you ask for food or you get food for yourself. Likewise, when you get good at noticing and feeding your core values, your emotional stomach will grumble far less.
PRACTICE: Pick any situation that irritates you. What are you most deeply yearning for in that situation? What core value in YOU, about YOU, is revealed by your emotion? Name 3 core values that may be stimulating your irritation. (For a list of core values, log into your free account at ThriveDrive.com, click ARTICLES, then click “Gut Aspect – Core Needs”.)
2. You’ve not been very good at caring for your underlying core values and needs. When your stomach grumbles, you ask for food or you get food for yourself. If you don’t, you get sick, then you starve, then you die. Most people are suffering a kind of silent subtle body starvation. They have underlying needs (core values) that are not getting fed, and have not been fed for a very long time, which creates huge wells of pain, confusion, and compensatory behavior. They make up beliefs about why they’re not fed, which contributes to more not getting fed. Dorothy is exhausted (not doing a good job feeding her need for rest cared for), so she figures her kids are a pain in the neck and she blows up at them. Dean desperately needs to be seen, understood, and appreciated; he blames his wife for not appreciating him. Blaming his wife, he feels powerless on top of feeling unappreciated. To numb his pain, he drinks. He’s thinking of getting a divorce.
Ultimately, the buck stops with you. When you die, you die alone. No one else is responsible for making you happy. You are responsible for asking for what you need until you get it. You are responsible for learning how to make better requests that actually work and get your needs fed. Your job is to learn ways to attend to your needs EVEN IF your requests of OTHERS don’t work.
When your stomach grumbles, you ask for food or you get food for yourself. As a child you learn how to make requests that get you what you need. Then you learn how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by yourself.
When you learn to cultivate the habit of effectively asking for what you need, you’ll be more satisfied more often.
PRACTICE: Pick one core value that is upset or going unmet in you. What specific, doable request can you make of yourself or of others that would feed that need a little bit, right now, in 10 minutes or less? (For more on Powerful Requests, log into your free account at ThriveDrive.com, click ARTICLES, then click “Powerful Requests”.)
3. You historically made requests that aren’t doable. Most of us are horrible at making specific, doable requests. “I’m cold,” is not a request. A specific, doable request might be, “Would you pass me that sweater?” “Stop interrupting me,” is not a do-able request; what is it you DO want done, right now? A doable request might be, “Please wait 2 more minutes before you speak again.” “I need you to listen to me,” is not a do-able request. How do you confirm if the person is or is not listening? A doable request might be, “Could you tell me back what you understand I’m upset about?”
Some of us are triggered by just the thought of making a specific, doable request. The sooner you free yourself from your self-imposed limitations and get good at specific, doable requests, the sooner you will softly and easily be able to ask for – and get – what you need.
PRACTICE: Look at the requests you wrote in the last practice. Are they specific actions that can be done right now? Can they be completed in 10 minutes or less? Do they show what you DO want, instead of what you DON’T want? Once you’ve come up with ONE specific, doable request, imagine it goes undone. Write 2 more alternate requests you can make of yourself or others so that you DO get your core value attended to no matter what. (For more on Powerful Requests, log into your free account at ThriveDrive.com, click ARTICLES, then click “Powerful Requests”.)
Understanding The Landscape of You empowers you. When you realize your emotions arise out of your own unmet needs, you are free, you are no longer a victim to your surroundings. When you realize how to take powerful action that generates results, you get your needs met and your core values attended to. (For more on The Landscape of You, log into your free account at ThriveDrive.com, click ARTICLES, then click “Who Are You? The Landscape”.)
You now have a clear path toward your own fulfillment.
Transform your upsets to opportunities, accomplishments and celebrations with one-on-one private coaching support. For a free consultation, call toll-free 1.877.535.5438.
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(Maya-G) Gail Taylor coaches individuals, couples, families, parents, leaders and professionals on whole health in all aspects at all scales. What do you want different? Get measurable results in 90 minutes or less! For more information, call for a Free 1-Hour Consultation – 1.877.535.5438 Mon-Thurs 12pmET-4pmET.