Well sometime recently, during a sit, I heard an instruction to live my ‘prayer’ more publicly, less privately. I committed to this, seeing light in the process of me-getting-out-of-my-cave, but I wasn’t sure how, exactly, to fulfill on the commitment.
Then yesterday this occurred to me, “Just share, transparently, what moves me today, what practice I’m holding for the day, as it moves me.” For me, this is a shift from ‘constructing’ or ‘structuring’ practices, to actually just living my day-to-day and what moves me, but living it more out loud.
So that was yesterday. And of course in line with this, I would like to share yesterday’s practice with you, then share with you my practice for today.
Yesterday I was so saturated from the remarkable experience Rumi and I had a few days ago (and the flood of sacred geometry I continue to see as I close my eyes), that I needed to “exhale”, so to speak. My head felt like it was going to explode. I needed to defrag my brain somehow.
So yesterday my practice was about emptying, ex-forming (expressing outward the coherences I’d gained while getting in-formed), and – well – doing nothing. It was an exercise in experiencing my answer (for now) to the question, “What is it for me to fully and completely exhale, mind, body, soul?” I intuited that with this exhale, I could then be more available for the next inhale.
So exhale I did. I napped, and slept so deeply. I called Rumi and ex-formed topics alive in me. I let go of my diet structures and ate what I wanted when I wanted.
Of course the need to exhale shifted, albeit a bit sooner than I expected. About half way through my day the Muse was back up in me, and I read a 160-page PDF about sacred geometry experiments called “Shape Power” by Dan A. Davidson (I wonder if we are related!). More in-formation.
That was yesterday’s exploration.
Today I woke from a dream where Rumi was saying, “You don’t really care-for anything, do you?” I woke feeling the defensiveness I felt in the dream, wanting to be seen for my love, wanting to trace the list of times I have cared-for his plants, Molly, him… But the more awake I felt, the more I noticed the defensiveness in me. Red flag. What was giving rise to this? If I’m feeling defensive, there must be some grain of truth in the dream that I’m not pleased about (about myself).
I wondered, “Don’t I love?” I explored how love loves (ha! typo) how love lives through me. And I could feel ways my heart is, and has been, closed. Armored.
How does love live through me? I’m not talking the love that is gratitude, or cherishing, or even reverence or appreciation. I can feel all those vividly. In these ways, I have loved abundantly.
I’m also not talking about the love of, “Love thy neighbor”, the compassion that arises in me when I open my heart to the underlying core values and needs behind others’ actions. I have lived this practice for ten years now. I don’t doubt my ability to experience compassion (when I actually open my heart, not just when I mentally ‘get’ their values and needs).
But that isn’t the kind of love I mean either.
Rather, I’m talking about Loving as God Loves, as Source (Ain) and Original Light (Ain Soph Aur) Loves. I’m talking about the kind of Love that Jesus experienced, the kind of expression and experiencing of Love that could instantly heal others within his field. What is it to live that kind of Love?
My body has not ‘known’ that way of loving. Maybe I’ve had glimpses of it, fleeting moments. Maybe. But what is it like to live it?
So today, so far, I’ve been grieving and doing release work for the ways Love has not lived through me. I’ve been grieving the places where my disappointments with other(s) have molded inside me into a guarded, distrusting armor around my Sacred Heart.
And now my Sacred Heart wants out.
So this is my practice for today.
What does it feel like to Love as God Loves, as Light Loves?