Today was a bumpy practice day. I guess the question I asked yesterday opened opportunities (so to speak).
In the wake of me asking what it would be like to Love as Light/God Loves, I keep seeing the places where I don’t. I can get really irritated when I need to repeat myself to people who aren’t paying attention or being present. I can feel bitingly sarcastic when someone breaches a direct request I’ve made. I never said I was perfect 😉
Meanwhile, I felt like crap noticing all the places where my heart shuts down. The guilt and brow-beating of my Inner Spiritual Perfectionist was deafening, preventing me from moving forward into growth. I found respite in a bit of self-acceptance, realizing that I am a multidimensional person in a universe made up of many frequencies – therefore I too am made of many frequencies, including ones I sometimes grieve.
This helped me move from guilt back to pure self-observation.
Then I was able to return to noticing where I don’t Love, namely, moments where I felt bitterness toward people. After doing some deep work (thank you for holding the container, Rumi), I discovered that my bitterness is my inner little girl who just wants to play in relaxed, open, heart-connected ways.
I realized that some of my pain about humanity is the pain of the gap between what life-serving and heart-connected interactions could look like, and what interactions typically look like.
Here’s an example. One day I was walking my dog. There’s a leash law on my block. I don’t walk Molly on a leash because she is supremely obedient (verbal leash) and she needs the free-running time (which I only permit when others are not nearby). This is the life-connected way we live; this is what serves the life in her. I ache for space to live in a way that is connected to the heart of who I am, not under the tyranny of some obligation that speculates and fears and defends against the worst without connecting to the reality of me.
Well one day a woman walking about 5 yards away from me shouted, “You should have your dog on a leash.” I felt angry. She doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know Molly. But I understood the justification of her comment.
Meanwhile, her comment to me was neither heart-connected, nor was she heart-connected to me or to Molly. I’m convinced that if she knew either of us, she would have treated the moment differently.
In Spiral Dynamics terms, this was a vMeme gap experience. A woman demanding compliance with rules (blue vMeme) was talking to someone with a history in recognizing and honoring diversity (green vMeme). In my ideal world, we would all be Second Tier and would find life-connected ways to attend to her need for safety while also attending to Molly’s needs for what is life-serving to her. But we don’t live in that world.
Meanwhile, many of us live continual experiences of the gap between what our heart and bodies know, and what the world around us habitually embodies.
So it turned out that my practice for today was about looking into my irritations with people. In doing so, I discovered how much of my frustration with humanity has to do with simple gap experiences.
I felt even more peace and relief when I acknowledged how deeply I feel a sensibility that is very different from the habits of the world we live in. For example, I want to live heart-connected in ways that serve life, not parallel lives of autonomy that says, “It’s not my problem,” and serves some at the expense of others.
I see our world growing, changing, reaching ever more toward the Light. Meanwhile, in favor of my own growth toward the Light, I realized that I have a stack of unresolved pains, moment after moment of tiny little heartbreaks that – all piled together – can leave me feeling bitter and irritated toward people. I realize that it’s my job to attend to the healing of that stack. And I realize that while I am doing this healing, my job is to choose environments more likely to more often match my sensibility instead of continually re-irritating my pain of gap experiences. Gee, maybe my continual choice into cities and suburbs isn’t the best match for my sensibilities.
Ultimately I want to be able to live with (even high-threshholds of) gap experience and still have my peace. But for now, I’ll work on attending to my heart and see how quickly I can reduce my swollen stack.
I’m confident that this will help me regain even more of my Light and Love’s pure expression.