Hallo dear Ones,
Well if you’re still inclined to read my blog, big hugs of gratitude to you.
So much has changed over the last 2 years, and is changing. Here is a mid-transition update, inspired by an email conversation.
You may or may not know I retired my Coach Certification School two years ago. My work with TIA – The Integrated Approach was extremely fulfilling, effective at doing what I hoped to do in human development work, and expressed and facilitated perspectives I had not seen in any other traditions. I got to earn my living helping people, and got paid to do my best to contribute to making the world a better place. I learned so effectively how to do my own personal development work, shadow work and spiritual work that it continues to be a part of my daily life. Through my work I was also able to meet many traditions and many wonderful people.
I did, however, fail to find “my waters” among others who share my experiences and perspectives and failed to fulfill my desire for home and belonging in community. I also failed to build a business or relationship significant enough to provide my dream-home and retirement security. Finally, I failed in my dream to contribute positively to 100,000 people. I’m not belittling my career, I’m simply naming what Is. I had dreams and goals, and failed to fulfill on some of them. I didn’t accomplish all of what I hoped to accomplish. That’s worth noticing and grieving, and I’ve done quite a bit of grieving this last year.
Meanwhile I also celebrate the way my work helped me grow, and I’m grateful for the gifts of experience and the great Love I received this last 20 years.
And now, with my 44th birthday coming this August, something in me shifted. I’ve “given up” some of my old perspectives, so to speak, or maybe “outgrown” them.
For one thing I no longer feel the pressure of my inner spiritual perfectionist trying to “help the world” or “contribute to making the world a better place”. For another, I no longer suffer the spell of the inner idealist who thinks that exhaustive effort to “contribute to the world being a better place” is mandatory toward a “good life”.
Yes, some of my shift has come from a mountain of disappointments with people. And yes, some of my shift is simply age; I no longer have the energy, 2-dimensional ambition or self-righteousness of a 20-something.
However, I’ve also simply grown more awake to the Fabric of What Is. Metaphorically speaking, All colors express on the rainbow; that is the nature of Nature. Trying to be any one color running around trying to make everyone else the same color is … well … natural, but also ultimately pointless. All things express in spiral polarities, and the pendulum of that spiral polarity will swing as it always does, and always will, and the world is what it Is. Pushing against that tide was often an act of Force on my part, and while an essential part of my development, it’s no longer my identity. In hindsight, I see that, paradoxically, some of my efforting even resulted in contributing to more conflict, angst and exhaustion, instead of contributing to more peace and ease.
I’ve come to realize that, while I am capable of seeing the world of “Forms” (in the Socratic sense, the world of ideas of perfection), seeing “what is possible” doesn’t mean I need to run around trying to impose what I see on the world of 3-dimensional reality anymore.
Rather, I now think a ‘good life’ is simply one lived from one’s best ‘Self-expression’, in joy, awake to impacts our choices make on the greater whole. I think that if each of us put more attention to inner highest Self, and lived from joy while being awake-to and responsive-to the greater whole, much of the Fabric would work itself out quite effortlessly. No force needed, no efforting, preaching, selling, recruiting, marketing, convincing, teaching or coaching required.
In some ways I’ve ‘given up’ on my images of humanity, in the most positive sense. As a genetic experiment, we are what we are. Not everyone wants to be the best they can be. Not everyone wants to embody excellence. Not everyone could, even if they wanted to. As an experiment of Creation, it’s perfect – all shapes get to Emerge and Experience.
So I’ve ‘let go’ some of my former perspectives, so to speak. Yes, I still am a dominantly spiritual person, and more than ever I notice that I don’t see or operate the way most other people do. And more than ever I notice Great Order and her vibrating threads.
But most of all lately, I just want to relax, enjoy myself in low-key ways, and live from my joys and Love. I still love stand-up comedy, and still dance sometimes. I still play with Molly. And I’m looking for something new (or old) – and someone(s) new (or old) – that I discover interest me and move me. Preferably with someone(s) who will cook for me. 😉
Meanwhile I’ll go put on a movie, stretch out, and relax.
Love and blessings to you,