Hi again 🙂
Well this post is about a month overdue. Much has shifted in the 6 months since my July post. Thanks to Grace and the love of people around me, including people I didn’t even know, I am finding my way into my next life Chapter.
I want to tell you the whole story, but if you know me you also know I can tell a long story. 😉 How do I abbreviate it and still transmit its richness?
Hrm. Well let me try this:
Have you ever had an experience of rediscovering the true core of who you most deeply Are, remembering, and suddenly shifting perspectives?
Before, all I could see were my crest-fallen memories and conclusions based in seeing the heart-breaking darkness in our 3-D reality: my disappointments, lost hopes and dreams, corruption, unconscious shadow, places where I felt lonely wanting to be wanted, and the beautiful fabric of Great Order that has tragic, limited, flawed messiness at every stage of Spiral development. From there, I didn’t see where I belonged, I only saw my differences from the world around me. Now, thanks to a conversation with Paul Roberts (http://www.effectivegriefrecovery.com), I remembered the quad inner community members that make up our dominant personality experience (see also, MBTI on human development), and was able to release my inner adult coach from the spaghetti of complicated grief that I was having a hard time finding my way through.
You see, Paul’s perspective was that all of what I’ve experienced this last few years – the losses, the health-crisis, the shift in my direction, the failures and the absolute feeling of being lost and confused – were all a necessary set of stepping stones, the oft-named “Dark Night of the Soul”, congruent with the path I have chosen. This made total sense to me. As so many before me who have climbed the mountain and seen the expansive view only to tumble back down into the chasm, I needed to have my tumble before I could fully surrender into my next Phase. I see how this makes absolute sense – I retired my busy-minded work. I let everything around me go in favor of prioritizing my body’s healing. Everything had to stop for me to shed my old skin before I could move forward.
From there, Paul offered me the Shin Buddhist invitation to surrender to the (2nd-person face of God) Amida Buddha which ironically (by contrast of my own 3rd-person relationship to The Universe) polarized me right smack back into my spiritual center. It reminded me that I Know mySelf as the direct conversation with Source that I Am. I Remember – I am not this experience. I gnostically Know – I am the rider, not the vehicle of the bodymind. (Yes, I just made up “gnostically” I think.) I experience the true details of the vehicle, but I also know a Higher Truth about my Nature, I remember who I was before I arrived in this body. That rider, and the driver that guides that Rider, is far closer to who I Am, than the illusion of the 3-D world that I fell asleep within.
This liberated me out of many entanglements that have been weighing on me for a few years now.
But maybe most importantly, Paul (and events that happened “coincidentally” right after my conversation with Paul) lurched me head-long into the deep pool on the other side of Great Order — realizing Grace.
Yes – there is darkness, corruption, shadow, tragedy. And, there’s also Great Love, surprises, unexpected support, guidance, beauty and consciousness evolving, taking Experience beyond where it has been before.
So now, I feel…settled. Rumi says it’s my natural progression from Enneagram 6 to healthy integration of Enneagram 9. I guess so; it snuck up on me. I see who I Am, who I am, and I see the differences between me and the environment around me, but yet I feel at home in my body and in the World and The Fabric just as it is.
In this shift, I’ve also uncovered a bit of love I had suppressed within me that I didn’t recall was there. I love mischief; specifically, the kind of mischief that happens behind the glint in someone’s eye as they smile with inner knowing, joy and delight at the fullness of having engaged a Random Act of Kindness. I love the kind of Mischief of engaging conversation with a restaurant waitress or a grocery check-out person or the mailman in a way that lights them up until they beam. I love the play of participating in standard daily conversation carrying with me the dance of Love and Divinity inviting forward the Genius that we each are, each in our own unique ways. I am a Stand for that game, that “good mischief” as Rumi says.
I now refer to it as my “Secret Light Spy” game.
Thank you, Paul, for the gift of your random (or not so random) act of kindness that helped shed light on my unconscious confusion. Thank you, Grace, for sending someone into my field who I’d only met once 10 years ago, and for inspiring him to look me up, read my blog and decide to email me about my July post.
Thank you History, for all the ways I was supported, loved, guided, protected, fed, sheltered and richly, richly gifted even when I was too blind, swollen, arrogant, scared or young to see it.
And thank you, Grace, for answering my prayer; I needed a ‘bigger game’ to play, a game from the land beyond politics and local drama, and you’ve given it to me.
So there it is. So much to be thankful for!
I’m coming back out to play, y’all. Something beyond self-power carries me now. And watch out, there’s a mischievous glint in my eye.