Archive for the 'Interpersonal Dev' Category

True Definition of Compersion – A Rant

In 2005 I was invited to speak at a polyamory conference.  I was new to the whole concept of ethical non-monogamy, and at that conference I learned and experienced this definition for this word:

Compersion – the joy one feels from witnessing another’s joy.

This moved me so deeply.  We see compersion on children when one kid smiles radiantly while witnessing another kid’s joyful play and fun.  I enjoyed compersion routinely as a coach, when I saw clients go from a place of struggle to a place of freedom – I felt profound joy when I saw them experiencing the joy of their newly discovered freedom.

I thought, “Ohhhhhh…Thank Goodness…the world is learning to tap into a more abundant source of our shared joy and delight…”  I had hope that this word would influence the mainstream and help awaken all of humanity to more of our Divine Hearts, our Christ Consciousness, our Spiritual Essences having a Human Awakening.

But somehow, in the last 10 years, the definition of Compersion on the Internet has become sexualized, twisted, and impacted by flagrant reductionism.

Now when I search for “define compersion” – I get these kinds of definitions:

– The joy a lover feels when his lover is having sex with another.

– A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

– The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

Wikipedia, For Cripe Sake, in its most brilliant coup of massive irresponsibility that I’ve seen yet, redirects “compersion” to “polyamory”, as if one was synonymous with the other!  JEEZ.

Compersion, people, has Nothing To Do with Sex.  It also has Nothing to do with Polyamory, Jealousy or Relationships.  The term “compersion” came alive in common use in poly circles because people who Love Joy – Feel Compersion – Often.  But that doesn’t make Compersion any more about polyamory than using the word “computer”, which poly folk also use often.

Compersion is about face of Appreciation – anyone who has the capacity to open their heart to appreciate the joy of another human being is capable of experiencing compersion.

One might be standing on a corner, see a total stranger across the street dancing in great joy (see also, Ellen Dance Dares) – and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the other person’s joy.

One might be babysitting a toddler, see the toddler squeal in happiness over a toy, and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the toddler’s joy.

One might be with a sibling, talking about his or her passion for photography, and feel compersion – experiencing joy for the sibling’s joy.

“I’m so moved and happy that you’re so happy.”  When this statement is true, it’s a reflection of Compersion.

Yes, it’s true that folks who are living responsible committed plural relationships experience compersion about their Beloveds’ joys – but any monogamous person with emotional maturity will also Experience Joy when their Loved Ones Have Joy.

Compersion can happen in sexual and plural-relationship environments, but Not Only in sexual and plural relationship environments.

So please, folks, let’s stop reducing life and joy to The Sexing and let’s remember the full breadth of our Divine Nature to Appreciate and Love, please?

Compersion – The feeling of profound Joy one experiences while experiencing another human being in Joy.

I hope for all of us to experience more Compersion, Every Day.


The Indignant Face of Love




Rules For Relating

My 20s and 30s were all about ruling people in or out of my life. I had very overt, and very subtle, ways I would do that.  Now, I’m learning I want different – I want to live in practicing, “How do we find each other (again)”?

Walking Easily Together

I want community who “walks easily together” – where, in the face of issues, we find heart-connected shared-understanding and resolution fluidly and easily together. In practice, I find that’s only possible with friends who – when hearing an issue – embody empathy, easily take on new perspectives, who are curious and receptive in the face of issues (without defensiveness), who fluidly own responsibility for their contributions to issues, and who have a commitment to restoration and resolution first and foremost. Many people focus instead on dedicating energy to “winning the argument” or “being right”, which solves nothing. Some get sidetracked in reacting to the issue – which creates a second issue where they need to “be seen” or be “seen innocent”. It helps if we can resolve the first issue AND THEN come back to the second one.

Dreams of We-Space

Dreams of We-Space

What is we-space?

Excellent in revealing our own core heart and values into visibility,
we lovingly, but relentlessly,
persist in inviting the core heart and values
out from behind the thoughts, beliefs and judgments we hear.

Having mastered

I dream of a world with a we-space of communion
A world of Procession – where,
like a three-legged exercise, we walk –
all of us – together – side by side
we keep each other in the loop,
because all our needs matter
because all of our perspectives bring light to the table
because united we stand, divided we fall.

Gentler Perspective on Jealousy

Today I saw a post someone wrote – an ad – saying, “Jealousy is the inability to appreciate what we have.”

I invite us to this kinder, more compassionate perspective –

Jealousy is the pain we feel when we have not yet acknowledged and resolved the ache of a deep unfulfilled yearning we have inside.

With releaseful self-empathy (mourning the gap between what we want and where we are currently), we get relief from the ache of unfulfillment, and our ability to be grateful and have Compersion (joy for others’ joy) naturally surfaces.

Jealousy is a symptom that there is something in US that WE have not yet cared for and fed properly.

With love and blessings,

Today's Practice – Self Trust

I trust my Self and stand in my “No.”

There's Nothing To Forgive

My practice today is rooted in a body experience of feeling, clearly, “There’s nothing to forgive.”

The first time I had this experience was related to my mother. As a child I suffered a great deal of child abuse. As protective services tried to attend to me I lived in a total of three foster homes.

One day in my twenties my mother called me, saying, “I think you have never forgiven me.” I had long ago given up any “making wrong” of my mother; she was a product of her family, a product of her developmental lines, and a product of the cards dealt to her by Life. I recognized the places where she literally couldn’t help but be the person she was. I also saw the deep guilt she carried for not feeling her own power to be more at choice in her behavior. As I said to her, “Mom, there’s nothing to forgive,” she let out a huge sigh of relief.

I think my mother still grapples with her own guilt, the product of unreleased grief for years and years of actions that met certain of her needs but not others.

But when I, as an individual, am grieving my own pain and losses, so much so that there’s no more hurt, no more anger, no feeling of retribution and no losses left to need restoring, then I hold no residue for what happened, and I no longer participate in a perpetuation of blame, shame and guilt.

Yesterday I was listening to a CD from, who offer ceremonies for conscious human evolution. One of the foundational ceremonies is about forgiveness. And again I heard this phrase, “There is nothing to forgive.”

So as my practice I took on this inquiry: How is it true that there is nothing to forgive? I especially wanted to apply my answers to any remaining residue or pain I still carry.

Below, you’ll see the list I came up with of why, in fact, There’s Nothing To Forgive. If you have additional items to add, please do! I’ll look forward to your comments below.

However what I ultimately realized after writing this list is that the only way my body can experience the truth of “There Is Nothing To Forgive” is after I have completed my release work for my hurts, pains and losses. (You can find free articles I wrote about release work both here on my blog and also free on ).

When my body still experiences unresolved pain, hurt, or losses, I don’t feel forgiveness, I feel heavy-hearted at best or judgmental and angry at worst. My judgments and anger are my keys to finding and the resolving places in my heart where I have not yet completed my release work.

So with this I offer you my love and prayer for peace on Earth, and in each one of us, in the form of the felt sense of forgiveness, “There Is Nothing To Forgive.”

1. They did the best they could, given what they were given, taught, and habituated to. Given their vMeme development levels and levels of development on their lines of development, they could not have behaved any other way.

2. All actions – even those I don’t like – are rooted in attempts to meet underlying universal needs. My job is to attend to my pain and losses (including making restorative requests), and to be able to inquire into the underlying universal needs trying to be fed. There too am I.

3. Given our genetic modifications, the still-in-progress reclamation of fully-operating gene sequences in our DNA, it makes absolute sense that they/we/human beings have done what we have done.

4. In Great Order, all emergent properties are of learning, growing, and Experiencing (including mistakes and tragedies). Just like a child tripping while learning to walk, or a curious infant breaking toys while learning how to interact with the environment, all of human history (all of my history) moments are perfect puzzle pieces in the larger Tapestry.

5. In the inter-connected, re-cycled, holographic, reincarnating Uni-verse, There Too Am I – learning, Experiencing, and making innocent mistakes, some even consciously, as a young Soul.

6. My need for healing and release-work to care for my pains, so that I may name and feed my needs, does not make Human Evolution Mistakes anything more or anything less than, “Young”.

With this I offer a prayer for release.

Thank you Love!

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