Archive for the 'Interpersonal Dev' Category

Sorting Out Political Correctness

I was recently asked to watch a video debating the subject of political correctness.

This is my reply.

Thank you for this link, Dick. (I am not name calling, that is his actual name.)

Since you asked me to look at this, I would love to address two points about it: one being the failure of debate and the other being the failure of the label of “political correctness”.

The Failure of Debate

When we argue a subject cognitively, theoretically, based on beliefs and positions, it can be extremely difficult to generate win-win solutions because the goal of debate isn’t to build bridges between values.

In debate, the goal is to win, to prove my point is more valuable than yours. It’s a win-lose game.

Debate disconnects us from our hearts and bodies and actions. And it disconnects us from each other.

Moreover, debate fails because it addresses a global category, a concept, instead of addressing a person or behavior. One cannot eat an elephant all at once, one can only digest it one bite at a time.

Values, not Labels

Debating the concept of “political correctness” underscores the underlying problem with political correctness: the concept is (as best as I can tell) almost always disconnected from the core values. The phrase “political correctness” is a label that does not specify what specifically we actually want.

What core values are we standing up for when we ask someone not to use the word nigger? Respect. Are there are situations where human beings have used that word in loving, respectful ways toward each other? Yes. So the issue is not about the word, because those who choose disdain will likely continue to treat others with distain even while they stop using the word. Addressing the word use is not helpful if we continue to ignore the underlying inflammation behind the distain.

Demands and arguments for political correctness fail because we debate the surface semantics instead of addressing the underlying core values.

Instead, I wish people would address the subject one bite at a time like this:

“Sir, I am sure you don’t mean any disrespect, but when you call me honey, I don’t experience respect. I’d like it better if you save pet names for if and when we are in a mutual, intimate relationship, please. Thank you.”

This speaks to the core values – respect, mutuality, authentic intimacy.

Here’s another option:

“I imagine you did not mean to insult me just now. Did you?”

By asking an individual to take a specific look at their specific behavior, we call them into personal responsibility.

Here’s another:

“Interesting. Why would you call me that/do that/say that?”

With an eye to core values, we can build bridges. We communicate, rather than punish. We open doors to win-win solutions instead of perpetuating polarized antagonism.

With values-based awareness, we stand, solidly, for the power of educating core values and empowering generative requests instead of the weak expressions of distain like namecalling, ridicule or belittling, “retard, fag, grab her pussy”.

(Generative requests are requests that generate win-win solutions. They resolve.)

Over time, if a person persists in distain or is unwilling to integrate requests, then you can choose to upgrade to a more direct heart-to-heart about why, or address needs for support that lead to their anger, or use the law of 2 feet and chose somewhere else. I believe that addressing pain, hate and anger would be far more effective than allowing our pained, disenfranchised neighbors to continue escalating from “politically incorrect” behavior to mass shootings.

Not all words are the problem they are made out to be. Sometimes people hear attack when there is none. Sometimes people treat others with distain even without words. Demanding “nice words” veils authenticity, obscures personal accountability and generates resentment by suppressing the issue instead of caringly resolving it.

If we want to see a company hire as many women as men, that is a measurable, specific, doable request. The categorical broad brush stroke called ”be politically correct” is not a specific, doable action that includes the other person’s values.

Some people are not willing to be sincere, and have deep rooted reasons for distain. We cannot address the underlying innocence without presence, care and dialogue.

By addressing the core values and making doable win-win requests, we can digest the subject one action at a time. We invite dialogue. We build bridges. We create deep resolution, not bandaids.

If the hope is to resolve culture wars, I don’t see us bridging this, or any other differences, unless we learn win-win resolutions based in core values and doable requests.

The title of this post is based on my 5-step win-win problem-solving tool called, “SORTTing It Out” (yes, 2 Ts).

If anyone reading this would like coaching to support more “political correctness“ in your life, work or community,  or to learn more about SORTTing It Out, you can contact me, or subscribe to my free newsletter for more details:
27 Tips For Sanity – https://TipsForSanity.com/subscribe

True Definition of Compersion – A Rant

In 2005 I was invited to speak at a polyamory conference.  I was new to the whole concept of ethical non-monogamy, and at that conference I learned and experienced this definition for this word:

Compersion – the joy one feels from witnessing another’s joy.

This moved me so deeply.  We see compersion on children when one kid smiles radiantly while witnessing another kid’s joyful play and fun.  I enjoyed compersion routinely as a coach, when I saw clients go from a place of struggle to a place of freedom – I felt profound joy when I saw them experiencing the joy of their newly discovered freedom.

I thought, “Ohhhhhh…Thank Goodness…the world is learning to tap into a more abundant source of our shared joy and delight…”  I had hope that this word would influence the mainstream and help awaken all of humanity to more of our Divine Hearts, our Christ Consciousness, our Spiritual Essences having a Human Awakening.

But somehow, in the last 10 years, the definition of Compersion on the Internet has become sexualized, twisted, and impacted by flagrant reductionism.

Now when I search for “define compersion” – I get these kinds of definitions:

– The joy a lover feels when his lover is having sex with another.

– A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

– The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

Wikipedia, For Cripe Sake, in its most brilliant coup of massive irresponsibility that I’ve seen yet, redirects “compersion” to “polyamory”, as if one was synonymous with the other!  JEEZ.

Compersion, people, has Nothing To Do with Sex.  It also has Nothing to do with Polyamory, Jealousy or Relationships.  The term “compersion” came alive in common use in poly circles because people who Love Joy – Feel Compersion – Often.  But that doesn’t make Compersion any more about polyamory than using the word “computer”, which poly folk also use often.

Compersion is about face of Appreciation – anyone who has the capacity to open their heart to appreciate the joy of another human being is capable of experiencing compersion.

One might be standing on a corner, see a total stranger across the street dancing in great joy (see also, Ellen Dance Dares) – and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the other person’s joy.

One might be babysitting a toddler, see the toddler squeal in happiness over a toy, and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the toddler’s joy.

One might be with a sibling, talking about his or her passion for photography, and feel compersion – experiencing joy for the sibling’s joy.

“I’m so moved and happy that you’re so happy.”  When this statement is true, it’s a reflection of Compersion.

Yes, it’s true that folks who are living responsible committed plural relationships experience compersion about their Beloveds’ joys – but any monogamous person with emotional maturity will also Experience Joy when their Loved Ones Have Joy.

Compersion can happen in sexual and plural-relationship environments, but Not Only in sexual and plural relationship environments.

So please, folks, let’s stop reducing life and joy to The Sexing and let’s remember the full breadth of our Divine Nature to Appreciate and Love, please?

Compersion – The feeling of profound Joy one experiences while experiencing another human being in Joy.

I hope for all of us to experience more Compersion, Every Day.

Signed,

The Indignant Face of Love

 

 

Rules For Relating

My 20s and 30s were all about ruling people in or out of my life. I had very overt, and very subtle, ways I would do that.  Now, I’m learning I want different – I want to live in practicing, “How do we find each other (again)”?

Walking Easily Together

I want community who “walks easily together” – where, in the face of issues, we find heart-connected shared-understanding and resolution fluidly and easily together. In practice, I find that’s only possible with friends who – when hearing an issue – embody empathy, easily take on new perspectives, who are curious and receptive in the face of issues (without defensiveness), who fluidly own responsibility for their contributions to issues, and who have a commitment to restoration and resolution first and foremost. Many people focus instead on dedicating energy to “winning the argument” or “being right”, which solves nothing. Some get sidetracked in reacting to the issue – which creates a second issue where they need to “be seen” or be “seen innocent”. It helps if we can resolve the first issue AND THEN come back to the second one.

Dreams of We-Space

Dreams of We-Space

What is we-space?

Excellent in revealing our own core heart and values into visibility,
we lovingly, but relentlessly,
persist in inviting the core heart and values
out from behind the thoughts, beliefs and judgments we hear.

Having mastered

I dream of a world with a we-space of communion
A world of Procession – where,
like a three-legged exercise, we walk –
all of us – together – side by side
we keep each other in the loop,
because all our needs matter
because all of our perspectives bring light to the table
because united we stand, divided we fall.

Gentler Perspective on Jealousy

Today I saw a post someone wrote – an ad – saying, “Jealousy is the inability to appreciate what we have.”

I invite us to this kinder, more compassionate perspective –

Jealousy is the pain we feel when we have not yet acknowledged and resolved the ache of a deep unfulfilled yearning we have inside.

With releaseful self-empathy (mourning the gap between what we want and where we are currently), we get relief from the ache of unfulfillment, and our ability to be grateful and have Compersion (joy for others’ joy) naturally surfaces.

Jealousy is a symptom that there is something in US that WE have not yet cared for and fed properly.

With love and blessings,
Maya

Today's Practice – Self Trust

I trust my Self and stand in my “No.”


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