Archive for the 'Personal' Category

The Fourth Eye 4th Eye Forth I

I may add to this post later.

From here, from The Fourth Eye:

  • Eye appreciates the value of things and people, even if I don’t personally like them
  • Eye integrates values.
  • Eye experiences paradoxes abundant.  Ouroboros.  To bend spacetime and matter, integrate apparent opposites.  Integrate opposites and magic appears.
  • Eye am not the Identity, It is a mechanical, cymatic whirlpool on the face of Omnipresent undulating Ocean, a more or less muddy puppet window through which The Light may shine more or less directly.
  • Eye perceives – It’s All A Lie.  And It’s All True.  It’s All Good.  It’s All Horrific. All of reality is both, only the locals can’t see both.  Eye is not only local.
  • Eye sees from the personal puppet coherence, eye also sees the Fabric of Great Order – the repetition of universal patterns, the creation then tension then resolution of Nature’s rhythmic beat.
  • Eye perceives the holographic universe, turtles all the way up and down. As above, so below.  Eye perceives the face of The Divine in each Whirlpool chanting the song of Source.
  • Eye then also senses local cymatic coherence (whirlpool) in the ever-undulating Ocean of The Fabric of Nature.
  • Eye gets Eye is of Nature. Eye is also Nature, just as Whirpool in the ocean remains, nonetheless, Ocean.  The dance of Yin Yang is local I and Whirlpool Eye and Ocean Eye.
  • Eye feels awe, daily, frequently each day.  Eye also grieves and mourns.
  • Eye has no objection to the darkness, even when I don’t like it. It Is. Eye dances in the rain, and enjoys when I’m pissed about raining.
  • Eye finds happy by being happy. Eye is a raindancer.
  • Seeing the fullness, Eye experiences distance.  Eye don’t care, It All Just Is. And it’s beautiful. And it’s tragic and disgusting. It All Just Is. What precious triviality. What enormous fullness in the absolutely minuscule of being.
  • Eye hears, and communicates, in plural parallel meaning.
  • Eye believes in Nothing.
  • Eye urges to Nature (yes, the verb).  As Nature.
  • Eye generates. Eye allows necrotic flesh to atrophy.  Eye destroys only if it’s ecstatically essence-ial and accurate, but not as a generative act.
  • Eye tingles at the language of the wind, hears the whispers of the mountain and tree, tastes the music of time’s orchestra. As with all of Nature, Time too is alive.
  • Eye bends the spacetime Matrix this way: to be there, Be There. 5D to 4D to 3D, Nature Rises. Abrahadabra. I feelthink therefore I Am. The science of deliberate creation. Travel remote viewing. The ouroboros. Integrate polarities until the paradox appears and viola, the door opens.
  • When am I not myself.  Eye forgets to remember.

ouroboros-dragon-serpent-snake-symbol

Delta Δ

When am I not myself?

I am now not that I was

Brief Update

In December, a 2″ mass was removed from my abdomen (benign). This month, I’m back to playing 1.5 hrs tennis – two to three times a week. Wow. Thank you Vitality Back! Anyone wanna come hit balls with me?

Blog Re-Org

— Update — Done! —

Hi, so you want to find something I wrote?

As of today (October 13), I’m reorganizing my nearly 10 years of posts (holy cats, has it really been that long? ugh.)

Give me a few days. I’ll get it done.

— Update — Done! —

Hugs to you,
Maya

Protocol Update

Jody emailed me asking for more info about my current protocol.

Here’s a general overview, with a few random details – I could practically write a book about all of this.  I admit it’s not my most brief writing.

I hope it helps someone out there anyway.

Blessings,
Maya


Hello Maya,

I am totally bedridden and no doctors have been able to help me. I have read your postings extensively and I’m hopeful that you might email me the more recent Protocol that you followed to help you feel much better.

I really appreciate any response from you,

Jody

Hi Jody,

Thank you for your post on my blog (copied below).  I’m so sorry to hear you’re totally bedridden.
This is a long email.  I hope you have help or energy to get through it. heh.
I hope it helps.
There’s so much I could share with you.  My protocol is NOT simple, and has NOT been easy.  It has taken a lot.  And I still have a way to go.  Some weeks I was in total despair and discouragement.
This has taken me a ton of patience, tenacity, and tracking all my steps, and a ton of trial-and-error.
I also had to learn to add each step in tiny baby steps, and keep doing previous steps while adding new ones.
Here’s a SAMPLE list of all the things in my protocol (this is cyclical, I do a bit more of each, each cycle):
STATUS CHECK: 
  • Blood tests (many different ones) to get baseline information
  • DNA test confirmed I had MTHFR mutations effecting metabolism
PREPARATION: 
  • Begin to Heal vitamin, mineral and micro-nutrient Deficiencies
  • Learn how to properly maintain balanced electrolytes
  • Clear out detox pathways to prepare for detoxing
  • Begin to slowly add in co-factors necessary for later steps
CLEARING GARBAGE OUT: 
  • Begin simple stretching / easy beginner yoga to help circulation clean gunk out
  • Detox parasites – Cure systemic bacterial overgrowths / infections
  • Heal the gut biome with proper types and amounts of probiotics (many are not proper)
  • Replace household products, body producs and foods that have toxins, carcinogenic substances, endocrine disrupters,  … (sls, aluminum, “fragrance”, anything 3+ on EWG’s site) – use cleaner / healthier alternatives
  • Upgrade supplementation to help support deeper healing processes
  • Cure leaky gut
  • Detox heavy metals
  • Eliminate ALL sources of stress – “friends”, work schedule, horror movies, anything that stressed me out.
  • Eliminate “inflammatory” foods and learn how to reduce systemic inflammation
  • Eliminate American wheat from diet (glyphosate) and stop eating any GMO products (especially corn, soy)
RESTORE GREATER BALANCE
  • Sleep 8-10 hours a day starting at 10:30pm
  • Drink only pH-balanced distilled water
  • Eliminate problematic diet issues – for a long time I had to drop all alcohol, gluten, dairy, and tons of foods that were causing me issues
  • Learn a properly balanced nutrient-dense meal-planning structure
  • Learn how to deal with my genetic mutations effecting metabolism
  • Slowly add in tiny efforts of 7-minute HIIT cycles, anything is good (ie: heal insulin resistence and restore insulin sensitivity to reduce hypoglycemia stresses)
  • Get my systemic imbalances under control (as Dr. Lam says, the OAT axis – more in a bit).
MAINTAIN BALANCE: 
  • Slowly add in supplements specific to my body profile to support healthy function for my MTHFR mutations and adrenal fatigue and insulin resistance and estrogen dominance etc.
  • Slowly re-grow mitochondria that were probably devastated, be sure other items stay in balance while adding new energy-producers to the body – they will consume more resources.
  • Eat only organic, whole, live foods whenever possible, at least 6 fist-sized servings per day.
BUILD RESILIENCY: 
  • As systems heal, you need less of some bits of previous steps, and more of others.  Over time I could add allergen-foods back into my diet.  I’m not so diet-restricted anymore.  Over time I could take less of some supplements.  I expect more resiliency to grow with time so I can wean myself off more of the (enormous numbers) of supplements I’ve had to take over the years.
In short —
I had to learn a ton.  I had to learn a ton about my body and step-by-step how it responded to various supplements and combinations.  I had to learn what each and every symptom meant, and what would give my body what it needed.
Most importantly, I had to learn that Every Day is Constant Adjustment – like riding a bike.  No Static Plan Works.  I had to learn how to carefully listen to my body and learn what to do to re-adjust the handle-bars every few steps along the way to maintain and grow my balance.
The good news is that now:
  • I sleep through the night – OFTEN
  • Especially on good days, I can often do physical things for myself again – I can sometimes cook, clean my own house again, shop for my own groceries again – all things I could not do literally for YEARS.
  • I’m getting my fibroids reduced and my menorrhagia under control – I bleed 1/3 as much as I used to each month, almost a normal (2-4 days heavy) cycle where previously it was 7-15 heavy days with no days off in between.  I expect this to continue to improve as I do another cycle of the “fibroid heal” combo I am using.
  • I can do bits of 7-minute HIIT workouts that I could do NOTHING of before
  • I’m now bedridden roughly only 5-7 days a month, and up to 60% of my previous functionality on good days — where I had been bedridden for months at a time and extremely weak even when I was ‘better’.
  • I have better diet resiliency – I can eat some of the foods I used to love, as long as I don’t overdo it or do it too often.
  • My RLS symptoms are MUCH more rare and lighter now, and I usually can eliminate them within minutes (drink water, balance my electrolytes, take tissue salts, eat a bit of salt, or I need to eat a snack)
  • My fall hay fever is far, far more mild, and I never get the complications I had in college (bronchitis, asthma symptoms, borderline pneumonia)
  • My mood, mental clarity and ability to engage projects has improved radically
I had to make a lot of changes to my life and diet and habits, and STILL I have a way to go to get back to the activity level I could do in my 20s and 30s.
I know – these are broad brush strokes without specific “how to”s.  That would take a lot more time, but I can offer a few leads and starting details about things I’m doing by starting here:
Things improved for me when I was first introduced to Functional Medicine (osteopaths).  Conventional (allopathic) medical  doctors were an absolute horror to deal with, borderline criminal in things they said to me, refusing to give me tests I explicitly asked for to discover or rule-out pre-clinical imbalances, the amount of money they charged me for NO help at all, treatment full of negligence, misinformation, drug-pushing (including substances that should not have been suggested for my body which exacerbated my issues) and lack of education.  Functional Medicine trained doctors are the only medical practitioners I now trust.
I then got more improvement using things I learned from Dr. Ben Lynch (mthfr.net plus youtube introductory videos with visuals) and Dr. Andrew Rosenberg (Boise, Red Mountain) materials online (website and introductory youtube videos).
I added things I learned from them, to the base protocol I was already using from Dr. Lam for Adrenal Exhaustion, and started to really see radical improvements.
“Bedridden” is a very hard place to start.  Your body may need detox (get the garbage out and unclog) first and foremost (like mine did) before you add in any new things to help you heal (diet, supplements, etc).
But if you’re already super low in physical resources, detoxes can be especially draining and devastating.  Most of this process, I lived alone, and some days I could barely make it from my bed to the bathroom.  Showering meant several black-out episodes – if I could shower at all.  I’d black out just trying to walk to the kitchen for food.  I had no energy, so very often I couldn’t manage to cook or even feed myself properly.
Do you have support?  I wish I had had someone who lived with me who could have helped me cook, and help me track my process and heal faster.  Some days my brain fog was so bad I couldn’t even remember what supplements I’d taken a few hours earlier.  I had to learn to build written structures to help me keep track of things.
I started out with blood-tests (LEF.org, summer sale) to find out a baseline of what was going on.  So much of my body was off:
  • I got a comprehensive nutrient panel – I had tons of deficiencies – iodine, zinc, B12, D, K, Iron, Calcium, magnesium, and others.
  • I got a wide-spectrum food sensitivities and allergies test – turned out tons of my daily foods were allergens for me — rice, garlic, dairy, avocado, things I ate every day…
  • I got a comprehensive stress-panel (cortisol, dhea, adrenal function), and comprehensive endocrine panels (estrogens, testosterone, much more) and found out that I had 3 systems in failure — my adrenal system, my thyroid system and my ovarian system (hormones) were totally out of whack.
  • I got a DNA test for MTHFR and found out I have a genetic mutation that contributes to (so many issues I have had) – adrenal fatigue, insomnia, estrogen dominance that lead to fibroids, so much more.  Turns out all these things were preventable if I had been educated by the right doctors 20 or 30 years ago.
  • I also learned that some of my difficulties related to my previously diagnosed heart murmur – symptoms consistent with congestive heart issues (also MTHFR-related)
I learned that my food sensitivities were a result of gluten-induced and candida-induced leaky gut.  I had to deal with that too, heal the gut lining and eliminate the culprits.  I still continue using l-glutamine and l-lycine to keep my gut lining healthier.
But getting the baseline status information wasn’t enough.  When I started taking supplements and products to heal my deficiencies or to detox candida, I had horrible issues.
You see, I had estrogen dominance, which had clogged my detox pathways, so any detox or upgrades I tried only made me worse at first.
So then I started using molybdenum, milk thistle, NAC, and quercetin daily and doing regular simple liver/kidney cleanses to clean out and support my detox pathways.  I used a simple parsley tea for liver cleansing, and simple lemon-water for kidney cleansing.  I have to keep doing them periodically, because I’m still detoxing and healing my system more and more deeply.
I couldn’t even eat fruit for a long time, because the sugars would spike the systemic candida overgrowth and knock me out again.  I had to do an elimination diet and slowly re-add foods back in later as I got my candida, inflammation and food allergies under control.  I’m still getting rid of parasites.  But I can only do one layer at a time, like peeling an onion.  Otherwise my body can’t handle the load and it shuts down again.
So keep in mind, even WITH cleaner detox pathways, my system was so weak at first that each new step I learned I had horrible results before I got better — detox creates Herxheimer reactions in the body, and each baby-step I added to healing my body, I often had to live through the detox reactions.  This taught me that I had to supplement low-B vitamins (B1-B6), molybdenum, NAC, etc and NON-FOLIC-ACID multi-vitamins to help with detoxing and healing.  I also had to slowly pulse in liposomal glutathione to help the body cell-division to create new tissue for my healing.
Also because my system was so very weak, each detox (especially candida detoxes) resulted in UTIs and yeast infections.  So then I had to learn to be sure I used D-Mannose and FemDophilus every detox to protect my excretory channels from infections.
So anyway, going back to my overview list at the top of the email –
I’ve done a ton.
I don’t know what you need to do – you need to get the proper support that suits your unique body situation, body history and family medical history.
I do recommend starting out with a battery of baseline tests and I HIGHLY recommend finding a Functional Medicine Doctor who is Well Experienced in Adrenal Exhaustion, Lyme Disease, Metabolic Disorders and MTHFR.
Can you afford that?  I couldn’t, so I had to educate myself more and more and more and learn a ton.  I made many mistakes along the way.  I also learned a lot.
If you want to ask me questions, feel free.  If you want to talk about your list of symptoms and history, I’ll listen.  Just know that I’m NOT a doctor and CANNOT tell you steps that will work for You.
But I Can tell you a ton about what I did, what worked for me, what didn’t, and what I learned.
I hope this helps, Jody.
Let me know if you want to talk more.
Maya

Current Puppetry

For what it’s worth, and with great vulnerability, here’s a node of my current bodymind puppetry.  I’m posting this as a fishing expedition, because I’m feeling quite truly at my wits’ end.  What do you think?  Email me privately please.  Mayagayam at gmail.

Once upon a time, the strategy was to land myself within a “co-created community of gnostic / priesty peers” – and if I couldn’t find it I tried to create it around me. But travelling the world I didn’t find it; my current energy levels limit most travel. Then I learned that to make community is too slow and too much wrestling – far more work than I want to manage, and takes far more directing / driving than I enjoy.

What was that strategy attempting to feed, anyway? This question brings me to this –

I am still dealing with this existential crisis – what do I do with the body to:
– care for my needs for belonging
– care for my needs for purpose (which would give me clarity and direction)
– provide for my needs for care, comfort and security for the body
– care for my needs for touch, sexual expression, and companionship
– care for my needs for community where I feel seen and wanted, met and appreciated, loved and desired
– care for my need to exercise the feminine and the capacities and the mystic and the I Am of me, in tandem with the body
– care for my needs for engagement and joy in my gnostic-heartful-sexy-playful-intelligent-tipheret ways and beyond
– all within a context of fluidity, ease, restfulness, balance and in integrity with myself
?

The answer to this would answer other questions like, “what do I choose relative to the other puppets I meet along the way?”

?

And, I’m aware that this is all fundamentally nothing more than puppet talk. I remember the conversation asking me to come here.  Who sent me here to begin with and why?

— update, end of March —

Well in the absence of human response to this post, nonetheless the Guardians Guide.  I find the answer is in the question itself.  I read “Dragon’s Play” section 9, and I feel mySelf again.  Thank you all for reading.

Oh Rocky!

I’ve just seen Tim Curry in Rocky Horror for the first time, and spent days basking in the companionship of the Gnostic, Kabbalistic, Hermetic esoteric message. I too remember doing the time warp into this rocky horror science fiction show for the thrills! And just recently, after years of wanting to return to the Trans-sexual, I saw blue skies through my tears, and decided I might actually like to stay. If you experienced this transmission from the movie too, let’s talk!


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