Posts Tagged 'humor'

How to Ruin a Conversation

I’m learning a lot, so I thought I’d share. Plus if you’re really good, you can use these to ruin an entire relationship, not just a conversation. Good luck!

1. Respond to others’ playfulness with contradictory statements instead of a simple smile. Do Not follow the improvisational rule of “yes – and…”, not even for two seconds. That’s too dangerous.

2. Hear others’ expression of pain as a personal criticism. Take it very personally. Get butt hurt. Don’t be curious about what is alive in them. Above all, do Not consider that you might have accidentally stepped on toes in the first place.

3. Talk all about yourself. For 10 minutes, 20 minutes, a half hour, 2 hours even. Don’t ask questions about the other person. Above all, do Not be curious.

3.5  If you do make the mistake of asking a question, be sure to interrupt the reply mid-sentence. Return to point 3.

3.75 Fill every spare second with talk, preferably about yourself. Don’t take a breath after you speak. Definitely don’t take 2 breaths. And be sure to start talking As Soon as the other person’s face hole has taken a tiny pause. Return to item 3.

4. Assume you know, Everything. There’s no way it’s possible someone has a valid point of view you haven’t considered. No way. You’ve travelled the world, you’ve seen it all, surely you must know it All. You’re Omniscient. You’re God.

5. Make everything you encounter “good” or “bad”. It’s not possible that there is no such thing as good and bad, only different perspectives. Above all, be sure to apply this to yourself. It’s not that all things can be both good/bad depending on the situation, it’s that You are bad, or good. There’s no both/and. And there’s no grey area.

6. When someone else is trying to tell you their feelings and needs to resolve an issue, attack them for being “overly sensitive” or for “giving you a hard time”. Resolving issues is Such a Bother.

7. Be fearful. Presume the new person you’re talking to must be crazy. Call them names as soon as you can and run screaming for the hills. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

8. Do not take in what people tell you. If they tell you they aren’t available, insist they contact you so that You can feel better. Disregard their boundaries. If they say they don’t want single line emails, don’t listen, don’t honor their requests. See item 6.

9. Focus on the past. That was terrible. Oh no saying that was terrible too. Forget that there is a person, right here, right now, standing in front of you. Don’t smile, don’t laugh. You have more important things to think about than what’s right here right now. That was terrible. When this fails, try item 10.

10. Focus on the future. Run that train of projection and fantasy wayyyyy off into the land of what we could do. Or build a scary scenario in your mind about the horrors. Either way, forget that there’s a person you could look at, right here, right now. Don’t look them in the eye. Don’t just Be with them right now. Hey, what are your plans for next month? Oh, and remember to get butt hurt when they ask for one step at a time. See point 6.  When this fails, return to item 9.

11. Never take responsibility for your actions. If it’s pointed out that you stepped on toes, or acted out one of the items in this list, quickly and without reservation Deny, Deny, Deny! Then spin it and ridicule them for speaking up. See item 6 for ideas.  How dare they!

Congratulations!  Now you’re well on your way to ruining conversations and relationships!

Have fun!

Fun, Fantastic 10min Vid

If these topics interest you:

– creativity
– teaching and learning what is ALIVE in us
– turning ON to life, and to each other
– integrated perspective on education
– caring about our cultural education
– seeing the system of education and how it impacts us

Then this 10minute video, VERY fun to watch, may totally tickle your fancy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U

It rocked my world….loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it.

Enjoy!
M-g

PS: Man I gotta learn more about this KR…. here’s another one of his vids:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFA3K0G2XlA&feature=fvw

Apology To Politicians

We want a government that works.

What would it take to turn a bickering, partisan government to a bipartisan, cooperative one?

Try this on for size:

  1. Bipartisan Cooperation – Require legislation behavior that generates win-win solution from agreements around root core values instead of attachment to particular strategies.
  2. Behavioral Accountability – Directly address inconsistencies; discount behavior (and votes) not congruent with immediately prior agreements or sound reason.  Require behavior out of core values instead of out of vendettas and party-line temper-tantrum tactics. Cooperate with win-win solutions that you helped generate based on your stated values, or you will be replaced.  Period.
  3. Restorative Justice – If you break something, you contribute to fixing it.  If you cost Americans billions in money taken by fraudulent means, you are responsible for contributing to repayment.

Then try this on for a laugh:

Apology to politicians:

“We would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this programme.  It was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are concerned more with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital societal problems of today.  Nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive.  We are sorry if this impression has come across.” — Monty Python

And might I add: infantile-behaving fear-mongering propaganda-repeating brats with an inability to sustain factual representation of reality without villainization, labeling, or behaving like a bunch of drama queens.  I am sorry if this impression has come across.

Louis Black on Homeland Security

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i love Louis Black.

“Homeland security is a problem. It’s a good idea, but it’s a problem because the man who runs it is Tom Ridge, and he is someone who has the leadership qualities of a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is known as the color coded system of security. You know, orange, and yellow, and what ever the f*** the others are. And what’s stupid about it is they have the color coding. LIKE WE’RE IN F***IN’ ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! There’s no need for that. Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to f***in’ EXPLAIN it, so GET RID OF the f***in’ color! Simplify it. There should be three levels of security: ‘Jesus Christ’, ‘God damn it!’, ‘F*** ME!'”

lol ohhhhhhh

Chuck's Cards and Expression

Hi. I know, I’ve not written in a bit. Ahhhh, changes changes…..

Brian, my business coach, says my homework assignment this week is to express myself more.  Only, I’m on a 2mth vacation from work (the core of my habitual expression the last mannnnny years) and without it, I’m not quite sure what is the next best direction for myself.

Thus, contemplative silence.

More about that later. For now, here’s this – it’s lifting my otherwise stirred spirits today.

*wink*
Gail

From Chuck Lorre – http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=77

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #77

Once again, I’m sitting in an impossibly bad mood. This one’s gone beyond the normal mental stew of fear, depression and resentment, and has morphed into a nasty physical sensation encompassing my entire body. The reason for the mood is almost besides the point. To the best of my knowledge, I have no power to change the conditions which brought it about. Which leaves me where? Well, as far as I can tell, it leaves me with nothing but these ugly feelings, a desire to be free of them, and the knowledge that I have never been able to lift myself out of my emotional state through the force of my will (the force of bourbon, sure — but the force of my will, never). The only thing I have even the vaguest control over is my attitude which preceded the precipitating, bad mood-causing event. That attitude could best be described as a fiercely held conviction that people are supposed to behave in a Chuck-approved manner. When they don’t, Chuck immediately becomes the organic repository for the aforementioned bad mood. Now one might deduce that my only escape from these foul states of mind is to discard my fiercely held conviction. But to do that, I’d have to lovingly accept a world that infrequently lives up to my expectations. In other words, I’d have to be somewhat God-like (assuming an all-forgiving God). Which means that in vanity card #78 I’ll have to start working on a plan ‘B’.

I'm a Freak for Standup

I just got through watching this – twice lol
It’s is one of my favorite standup schticks – the man-fight techniques, all the stuff about his son, jesus & the vagina, and so much more….
😀
enjoy
😀
g

Torment and Inspiration

From Chuck Lorre:

I recently spoke with a man who is tormented. He thinks he is tormented because he thinks he has a tormentor. He cannot think of a scenario wherein he leaves his tormentor and thus ends his torment. He thinks his only path to serenity is to destroy his tormentor. He thinks the appropriate weapon to accomplish this task is a lawyer. This got me to thinking that perhaps thinking was the real source of his torment. But how can that be? Don’t we value thinking? Don’t we worship great thinkers? How can this God-given gift that separates us from the animals be deemed a curse? Isn’t the alternative to thinking, stupidity? Or is there another alternative? Ask yourself this question, “When I have a good idea, do I think my way to it, or does it just hit me?” Which brings me to the theme of this vanity card (finally). I’d like to suggest that we all have inspiration at our disposal at all times. How does inspiration work? How the hell would I know? I just know it’s there. Nothing else but inspiration explains a great work of art, and nothing else but thinking could be responsible for making all those “Lethal Weapon” movies. I mentioned all this to the tormented man. I told him that perhaps he could find a solution to his troubles by quitting thinking and being open to inspiration. He said he thought I was a moron and threw his shoe at me. It just hit me.


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