Posts Tagged 'inner community'

Big Changes – an Update

Hi ūüôā ¬†How are you?

Well, I’ve not posted in a long time, and there was a gap between my last post and the ones prior.

In short, there are big changes afoot, and nothing has seemed post-worthy to me in a long time.

What changed?  Why, thank you for asking!

In short (again?), I spent 20 years of my life trying to contribute to the evolution of consciousness. ¬†“Let’s change the world for the better!” said my eternally optimistic idealist.

Then something shifted in me.

I realized that Great Order revels in Experience, and in that, All colors of the rainbow are going to manifest and express themselves.  Trying to change the world is like trying to force the whole rainbow to get yellow instead of being what it is.

Suddenly, there’s nowhere to go. ¬†Nothing needs to be ‘fixed’ or ‘changed’. ¬†Evolution Is. ¬†Great Order, Is.

“What about dying babies and mass murderers,” you ask, aghast? ¬†Sure. ¬†What about Corporate abuses of power, Political corruption, human corruption for that matter? ¬†What about Nibiru and the coming Ice Age and devastating freak weather threatening our crops, our food production and our very survival? ¬†What about that awful Rap music?!!

*sigh* ¬†Do what you need to do, until you can’t do it anymore. ¬†If you need to resist gays, or Republicans, or Liberals, or fear of death or whatever, then you¬†haven’t yet learned that what you resist persists. ¬†That’s ok. ¬†Keep doing what you need to do until you can’t do it anymore.

Me, I’ve realized that the Face of Love (God, Source, Emergence) has universal core values under every Creation, and I’m more interested in seeing how Emergence chooses to Express Herself/Myself and to grok the underlying core value (and support That, which obsoletes distorted expressions) than to push against things in the ever re-cycling “revolution” attitude where the oppressed become the new oppressors.

Yes, it’s true that not all of Creation is Life Serving. ¬†Yes, it’s true that I still tend toward Life Serving choices for the most part.

But I also see that nothing is universally “right” or “wrong” – even water can kill you in certain contexts. ¬†I do what I can to interrupt¬†“should-ing on” myself or others, and¬†look instead to support the Core Values. ¬†In those Expressions of Self I see only Love. ¬†Sometimes, Life makes Love¬†As War. ¬†It just Is.

So instead of should-ing or pushing against it, I now see all of Great Order in terms of Her vibrationally opposing sine waves, antinodes and nodal points.  Nothing is fixed, everything is in motion, evolving, being magnitized toward its resolution (nodal point) or into more vivid Autonomy and Experiencing and Self-Expression and Uniqueness (anti-nodes).

We don’t have to push the river to get it to bend a certain way – the river will find her own resolution.

Does that mean I sit on the couch all day and eat BonBons? ¬†No, I knit. ¬†Ha just kidding. ¬†No, I’m not advocating non-action. ¬†Chop Wood / Carry Water still applies. ¬†My 3D aspect still earns income to direct 3rd Dimensional energy as I wish. ¬†I still actively engage¬†my 4th Dimensional and Long Body growth / evolution. ¬†I still act, when needed, in protective use of force if that is called for. ¬†If I’m cornered I still pull out Kali to Kick Ass. ¬†I still create when I am moved to create.

However, I¬†also¬†don’t add to the ambient noise of human activity just because my immature shadow-aspects have a knee-jerk reaction to spit forth. ¬†I’m more aware of the ambient field, the scattered noise, the distortions, and the reality¬†that all Expressions are inherently full of Distortion (points away from the nodal point, looking for resolution).

So now my choices are coming out of a different Being.

Thank goodness. ¬†It’s way less stressful here.

And if this doesn’t make sense to you, that’s ok.

So yeah. That’s where I’m at.


– Maya

Out of the Dark Night

Hi again ūüôā

Well this post is about a month overdue. Much has shifted in the 6 months since my July post. Thanks to Grace and the love of people around me, including people I didn’t even know, I am finding my way into my next life Chapter.

I want to tell you the whole story, but if you know me you also know I can tell a long story. ūüėČ How do I abbreviate it and still transmit its richness?

Hrm. Well let me try this:

Have you ever had an experience of rediscovering the true core of who you most deeply Are, remembering, and suddenly shifting perspectives?

Before, all I could see were my crest-fallen memories and conclusions based in seeing the heart-breaking darkness in our 3-D reality: my disappointments, lost hopes and dreams, corruption, unconscious shadow, places where I felt lonely wanting to be wanted, and the beautiful fabric of Great Order that has tragic, limited, flawed messiness at every stage of Spiral development. From there, I didn’t see where I belonged, I only saw my differences from the world around me. Now, thanks to a conversation with Paul Roberts (, I remembered the quad inner community members that make up our dominant personality experience (see also, MBTI on human development), and was able to release my inner adult coach from the spaghetti of complicated grief that I was having a hard time finding my way through.

You see, Paul’s perspective was that all of what I’ve experienced this last few years – the losses, the health-crisis, the shift in my direction, the failures and the absolute feeling of being lost and confused – were all a necessary set of stepping stones, the oft-named “Dark Night of the Soul”, congruent with the path I have chosen. This made total sense to me. As so many before me who have climbed the mountain and seen the expansive view only to tumble back down into the chasm, I needed to have my tumble before I could fully surrender into my next Phase. I see how this makes absolute sense – I retired my busy-minded work. I let everything around me go in favor of prioritizing my body’s healing. Everything had to stop for me to shed my old skin before I could move forward.

From there, Paul offered me the Shin Buddhist invitation to surrender to the (2nd-person face of God) Amida Buddha which ironically (by contrast of my own 3rd-person relationship to The Universe) polarized me right smack back into my spiritual center. It reminded me that I Know mySelf as the direct conversation with Source that I Am. I Remember – I am not this experience. I gnostically Know – I am the rider, not the vehicle of the bodymind. (Yes, I just made up “gnostically” I think.) I experience the true details of the vehicle, but I also know a Higher Truth about my Nature, I remember who I was before I arrived in this body. That rider, and the driver that guides that Rider, is far closer to who I Am, than the illusion of the 3-D world that I fell asleep within.

This liberated me out of many entanglements that have been weighing on me for a few years now.

But maybe most importantly, Paul (and events that happened “coincidentally” right after my conversation with Paul) lurched me head-long into the deep pool on the other side of Great Order — realizing Grace.

Yes – there is darkness, corruption, shadow, tragedy. And, there’s also Great Love, surprises, unexpected support, guidance, beauty and consciousness evolving, taking Experience beyond where it has been before.

So now, I feel…settled. Rumi says it’s my natural progression from Enneagram 6 to healthy integration of Enneagram 9. I guess so; it snuck up on me. I see who I Am, who I am, and I see the differences between me and the environment around me, but yet I feel at home in my body and in the World and The Fabric just as it is.

In this shift, I’ve also uncovered a bit of love I had suppressed within me that I didn’t recall was there. I love mischief; specifically, the kind of mischief that happens behind the glint in someone’s eye as they smile with inner knowing, joy and delight at the fullness of having engaged a Random Act of Kindness. I love the kind of Mischief of engaging conversation with a restaurant waitress or a grocery check-out person or the mailman in a way that lights them up until they beam. I love the play of participating in standard daily conversation carrying with me the dance of Love and Divinity inviting forward the Genius that we each are, each in our own unique ways. I am a Stand for that game, that “good mischief” as Rumi says.

I now refer to it as my “Secret Light Spy” game.


Thank you, Paul, for the gift of your random (or not so random) act of kindness that helped shed light on my unconscious confusion. Thank you, Grace, for sending someone into my field who I’d only met once 10 years ago, and for inspiring him to look me up, read my blog and decide to email me about my July post.

Thank you History, for all the ways I was supported, loved, guided, protected, fed, sheltered and richly, richly gifted even when I was too blind, swollen, arrogant, scared or young to see it.

And thank you, Grace, for answering my prayer; I needed a ‘bigger game’ to play, a game from the land beyond politics and local drama, and you’ve given it to me.

So there it is. So much to be thankful for!

I’m coming back out to play, y’all. Something beyond self-power carries me now. And watch out, there’s a mischievous glint in my eye.


Today’s Practice – Finding God in “Failures”

If God is in everything – then God is in things I dislike, too. Huh. How about that.

Then Guidance said, “To believe in people again – do you believe in You?”

It’s true, I’m sad about my…my behaviors…my life’s imperfections…my failures….

Then Guidance said, “If that too is God – is a perfect part of Great Order – can you find God in the imperfections? Can you find peace with the God alive in your own mistakes and imperfections?”

“Forgive your own failures – see God in all things you call failures – and you’ll find peace with other people again.”

The Butler On Joy – The Butler's Journey

Witness: What’s the Butler’s take on Joy?

Butler: At best, it’s Risky. At worst, it’s a Diversion. If things get too good, that’s right when the other shoe’s gonna drop. Keep your eye on the ball!

Witness: What’s the ball?

Butler: Whatever it takes to provide protection and safety for myself and those I love.

Witness: (No wonder I’m so scatter-y and pace-y – desperation!)

Butler: As the Butler, I’m sad to realize I’m panicked and in desperation.

(releasing grief)

Butler: I’m scared that if I’m not vigilant – working hard – being hard – everything’ll fall apart. We’ll lose everything that makes everyone in here so happy.

Witness: (That’s my father’s voice there.)

Butler: (Trying a mantra – )
I’m willing to consider the possibility
that providing protection and safety and providing for joy
(provisions providing for joy)
can come easily and joyfully.

Butler: My job is to provide for EVERYONE ELSE’s joy! It’s ok if I don’t have it, I provide so that THEY ALL get to have it.

Witness: (That’s my father’s voice there too.)

Butler: I’m willing to consider the possibility
provisions providing for those I care about
can come easily and joyfully.

Butler: What occurs to me, is that the best we have HAS come
easily and joyfully…my work, the apartment, food, our relationships…so much more…

Butler: What occurs to me, is that I don’t have to be hard
to care for the provider piece.

Witness: (This moves me from Hard, to a space of more opening)

Butler: I realize and acknowledge that the BEST provisions
providing for myself and my loved ones
HAVE come to me easily and joyfully.

I’m willing to entertain the idea
that provisions providing for me and my loved ones
DO come to me easily and joyfully.

The joy that I most deeply am isn’t visible / surfacing
ONLY because I’m worried about providing.
When I’m at peace about the provider part,
then the natural joy and well-being that I Am and that my loved ones Are
naturally surfaces.

Butler: What occurs to me,
is that I’ve been worried about providing for Joy, safety and well-being
which is what we all most deeply Are.
That’s funny.
Like worrying about breathing.
The worry itself makes my breath shallow – cuts me off
from the breathing I naturally do.

Butler: What I realize, is that
ONLY WORRYING about providing
from the joy, safety and well-being that naturally is Me and my loved ones.

Butler: What would I do / be differently
in a world where I’m at peace
about the provider thing?

I’d play more with my loved ones.
I’d play more, period.
I’d walk my dog more.
I’d do more things I love more often.

Butler: I realize and acknowledge
that the BEST provisions
providing for myself and my loved ones
DO and HAVE come to me
easily and joyfully

clients – apartment – molly – rumi – pickle jar – so much more

I realize that
only my worrying about providing
pinches me off from the joy I most deeply Am.

I realize that
when I’m at peace about THAT
then the natural joy that I Am
naturally surfaces – the joy takes care of itself.

The Triad Entries – Part 1, The Sandbox

So since my 2-week meditation the end of Dec, lots has been going on.

Grady says I should post it. So I’m going to.

Here’s the first of a triad of experiences blowing my mind.



1/2/08 – The Sandbox

i was angry, so i called eric to do something with it. i’m sick of how my greek genetics and firey temper can interfere with my desires to cultivate collaboration and connection around me…

it started out we were looking at different members of my “inner community” – the part of me that is frustrated (wanting things to grow, wanting my own integrity as a strategy for hope about that)….- the part of me that’s angry (impatient, frustrated, wanting to be met, wanting more ease)…

here are the abbreviated notes – i’ll call this entry ‘the sandbox’ entry


the servant, the educator, the phenomenon

– the phenomenon -people not paying attention, or not keeping up with me

– the educator – “you should know better than to get irritated about it”

– the servant, who IS irritated:
“there’s no room for anything else”
“get out of my way”
“i’m willing to resort to force
if it means getting them out of my way”
“sometimes they need a bat upside the head to get out of my way”

very seriously committed to being the vehicle she’s meant to be
very committed to fulfilling her purpose
very tenaciously driven to be the vehicle she’s meant to be

rigidity – no room for anything else

even compassion for humanity pales in comparison to
this commitment

demand, attachment, rigidity

(when a part wants sthing to go away – don’t give empathy to the part you want to disappear — give empathy to the part that WANTS it to disappear)

– it shouldn’t be there, it’s not helping anything
commitment to spiritual integrity, loving kindness w/others
an even higher commitment to spiritual integrity
than the commitment to being the vehicle


rigidity and attachment here

commitment to spiritual integrity – “commitment” means to be
an opening but it’s not, it’s closure. it’s a ‘no’ to all

instead of spiritual integrity being a thing of joy and play
it’s been a thing of tension and feeling troubled

the problem to stay ‘on track’ about

tension releasing in my neck and jaw

the reason it’s a problem is b/c
i’m scared of not fulfilling my imperative

holy huge – really really scared of not fulfilling my imperative
dealt with that scared by applying force – discipline
tight tension

really scared of not fulfilling my imperative
“can’t let that happen again” (as if something transcending this lifetime is driving me)

terrified and upset and resistent

can’t do that again

imperative / demand

can’t do that again

disappointed / nauseous grief

disgusted / horrified / sad for what i’ve done before

grief / remorse / sadness

(now doing healing work)

‘can’t do that again’ isn’t so rigid anymore, no longer a strategy,
now it’s just a pure expression of pain / grief

so want to do it right

Then suddenly I heard a voice

my eyebrows release

“there IS NO getting it right, here.”

“what makes you think you’re supposed to be able to get it right, here?”

laughing now – the humor of trying to get it
right, in a realm that expressly was not
meant for that.

like trying to get pink paint out of black
you can try as hard as you want,
but you aint’ getting any pink outta that.
but the sincerity of trying is cute
kinda cute and endearing and ..silly…

“btw, who told you you have to paint in pink?
no one said you have to do that.
paint in black. it’s ok. that’s what you have.”

con artists, gun holders
paint in black. it’s what you have.

(things i would have considered out of spiritual integrity)

eric: sounds like you still have a goal for spiritual integrity
but you now also have acceptance for how things are

paint in black
there’s no getting it right here. this place wasn’t MADE for that.
remembering that this is BY DESIGN
remembering that this is what’s meant to be at the moment
spiritual integrity – do it right part –
you’re saying my ‘trying to get it right’ is an ILLUSION???
what are you saying??
do you know how many lifetimes i’ve pained for not doing it right?
i picked up this belief that there was a ‘right way’ i ‘should’ do it
and you’re telling me i made that up and it’s not true?
i hear it, i get it, but i have a lot of habits around it.
makes it hard for me to even grok

it flies in the face of what i’ve believed for so long
(this place wasn’t made for that)

this place was made for EXPERIENCING. not for getting it right.

this is a SANDBOX
it’s meant to be PLAY
you don’t see kids getting all turbulent over an
imperfect sandcastle – it was meant to be play

tentative mischief rising – well if i don’t have to get it right, there’s
a lot of fun i could have.
a lot of fun i could have in the sandbox when i’m not
all bent about trying to make the perfect

what if someone doesn’t hear again? (not paying attention)

well i’m not going to get bent b/c sand on my castle isn’t in place
i’ll try try to move it again
partially don’t trust me now tho b/c of my habits
getting REALLY really really serious about the castle
kids get REALLY SERIOUS about making sandcastles
its’ a creative act
it’s an act of self-expression

(now i have compassion for WHY i get so
serious about it)

(gives me hope for my sense of humor about me / my work
instead of taking myself so seriously.
yes, the creative act / self-expression is precious
but it’s just a sand castle. i can go to another box.
or build something else.

just watch – where i buy into the demand / illusion of the sand castles
notice where – out of a desire for creativity / self-expression,
i inadvertently slide into demand energy
paint in black. you’re not MEANT to get it right here.
this place wasn’t built for that. it’s by design.
have fun in the Experiencing.
“If all you have is black paint, go with it! Paint in black.”

(click here for part 2)

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