Posts Tagged 'interpersonal'

How to Ruin a Conversation

I’m learning a lot, so I thought I’d share. Plus if you’re really good, you can use these to ruin an entire relationship, not just a conversation. Good luck!

1. Respond to others’ playfulness with contradictory statements instead of a simple smile. Do Not follow the improvisational rule of “yes – and…”, not even for two seconds. That’s too dangerous.

2. Hear others’ expression of pain as a personal criticism. Take it very personally. Get butt hurt. Don’t be curious about what is alive in them. Above all, do Not consider that you might have accidentally stepped on toes in the first place.

3. Talk all about yourself. For 10 minutes, 20 minutes, a half hour, 2 hours even. Don’t ask questions about the other person. Above all, do Not be curious.

3.5  If you do make the mistake of asking a question, be sure to interrupt the reply mid-sentence. Return to point 3.

3.75 Fill every spare second with talk, preferably about yourself. Don’t take a breath after you speak. Definitely don’t take 2 breaths. And be sure to start talking As Soon as the other person’s face hole has taken a tiny pause. Return to item 3.

4. Assume you know, Everything. There’s no way it’s possible someone has a valid point of view you haven’t considered. No way. You’ve travelled the world, you’ve seen it all, surely you must know it All. You’re Omniscient. You’re God.

5. Make everything you encounter “good” or “bad”. It’s not possible that there is no such thing as good and bad, only different perspectives. Above all, be sure to apply this to yourself. It’s not that all things can be both good/bad depending on the situation, it’s that You are bad, or good. There’s no both/and. And there’s no grey area.

6. When someone else is trying to tell you their feelings and needs to resolve an issue, attack them for being “overly sensitive” or for “giving you a hard time”. Resolving issues is Such a Bother.

7. Be fearful. Presume the new person you’re talking to must be crazy. Call them names as soon as you can and run screaming for the hills. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

8. Do not take in what people tell you. If they tell you they aren’t available, insist they contact you so that You can feel better. Disregard their boundaries. If they say they don’t want single line emails, don’t listen, don’t honor their requests. See item 6.

9. Focus on the past. That was terrible. Oh no saying that was terrible too. Forget that there is a person, right here, right now, standing in front of you. Don’t smile, don’t laugh. You have more important things to think about than what’s right here right now. That was terrible. When this fails, try item 10.

10. Focus on the future. Run that train of projection and fantasy wayyyyy off into the land of what we could do. Or build a scary scenario in your mind about the horrors. Either way, forget that there’s a person you could look at, right here, right now. Don’t look them in the eye. Don’t just Be with them right now. Hey, what are your plans for next month? Oh, and remember to get butt hurt when they ask for one step at a time. See point 6.  When this fails, return to item 9.

11. Never take responsibility for your actions. If it’s pointed out that you stepped on toes, or acted out one of the items in this list, quickly and without reservation Deny, Deny, Deny! Then spin it and ridicule them for speaking up. See item 6 for ideas.  How dare they!

Congratulations!  Now you’re well on your way to ruining conversations and relationships!

Have fun!

True Definition of Compersion – A Rant

In 2005 I was invited to speak at a polyamory conference.  I was new to the whole concept of ethical non-monogamy, and at that conference I learned and experienced this definition for this word:

Compersion – the joy one feels from witnessing another’s joy.

This moved me so deeply.  We see compersion on children when one kid smiles radiantly while witnessing another kid’s joyful play and fun.  I enjoyed compersion routinely as a coach, when I saw clients go from a place of struggle to a place of freedom – I felt profound joy when I saw them experiencing the joy of their newly discovered freedom.

I thought, “Ohhhhhh…Thank Goodness…the world is learning to tap into a more abundant source of our shared joy and delight…”  I had hope that this word would influence the mainstream and help awaken all of humanity to more of our Divine Hearts, our Christ Consciousness, our Spiritual Essences having a Human Awakening.

But somehow, in the last 10 years, the definition of Compersion on the Internet has become sexualized, twisted, and impacted by flagrant reductionism.

Now when I search for “define compersion” – I get these kinds of definitions:

– The joy a lover feels when his lover is having sex with another.

– A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

– The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

Wikipedia, For Cripe Sake, in its most brilliant coup of massive irresponsibility that I’ve seen yet, redirects “compersion” to “polyamory”, as if one was synonymous with the other!  JEEZ.

Compersion, people, has Nothing To Do with Sex.  It also has Nothing to do with Polyamory, Jealousy or Relationships.  The term “compersion” came alive in common use in poly circles because people who Love Joy – Feel Compersion – Often.  But that doesn’t make Compersion any more about polyamory than using the word “computer”, which poly folk also use often.

Compersion is about face of Appreciation – anyone who has the capacity to open their heart to appreciate the joy of another human being is capable of experiencing compersion.

One might be standing on a corner, see a total stranger across the street dancing in great joy (see also, Ellen Dance Dares) – and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the other person’s joy.

One might be babysitting a toddler, see the toddler squeal in happiness over a toy, and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the toddler’s joy.

One might be with a sibling, talking about his or her passion for photography, and feel compersion – experiencing joy for the sibling’s joy.

“I’m so moved and happy that you’re so happy.”  When this statement is true, it’s a reflection of Compersion.

Yes, it’s true that folks who are living responsible committed plural relationships experience compersion about their Beloveds’ joys – but any monogamous person with emotional maturity will also Experience Joy when their Loved Ones Have Joy.

Compersion can happen in sexual and plural-relationship environments, but Not Only in sexual and plural relationship environments.

So please, folks, let’s stop reducing life and joy to The Sexing and let’s remember the full breadth of our Divine Nature to Appreciate and Love, please?

Compersion – The feeling of profound Joy one experiences while experiencing another human being in Joy.

I hope for all of us to experience more Compersion, Every Day.


The Indignant Face of Love



Rules For Relating

My 20s and 30s were all about ruling people in or out of my life. I had very overt, and very subtle, ways I would do that.  Now, I’m learning I want different – I want to live in practicing, “How do we find each other (again)”?

Walking Easily Together

I want community who “walks easily together” – where, in the face of issues, we find heart-connected shared-understanding and resolution fluidly and easily together. In practice, I find that’s only possible with friends who – when hearing an issue – embody empathy, easily take on new perspectives, who are curious and receptive in the face of issues (without defensiveness), who fluidly own responsibility for their contributions to issues, and who have a commitment to restoration and resolution first and foremost. Many people focus instead on dedicating energy to “winning the argument” or “being right”, which solves nothing. Some get sidetracked in reacting to the issue – which creates a second issue where they need to “be seen” or be “seen innocent”. It helps if we can resolve the first issue AND THEN come back to the second one.

Needs vs/ Needy?

Thanks to friend Eric B. from Vermont – I got to thinking today about needs as power or a vision, as opposed to needs as a dependency. In TIA we talk about the power of making requests to fulfill underlying needs…but is there a different energy when we’re making a request from vision rather from a ‘need to meet a need’?


Curiouser and Curiouser

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant

Malevolent Evil = Eye of Beholder

I invite you to a thought experiment – imagine there is only “malevolent evil” in the eye of the beholder. Imagine that in truth the “perpetrator” has the same universal underlying needs that you have, and is attempting some benevolent end – either as a gift to himself, others, or the Divine. Imagine that t’s only judgment and interpretation that assesses this as either ‘good’ or ‘evil’. What if, as “beholding eyes”, we practice attending to the pain or fear underlying the judgment, and uncover the yearning trying to be voiced in us? I imagine when we do, we have an opportunity for restoring our capacity for “true sight”…increased power to affect the outcomes we desire. What do you think?

Knowledge and Adventure

Henry David Thoreau said most people “live lives of quiet desperation.” Are you one of them, or are you a seeker of adventure, knowledge, growth and fulfillment?

What if a 24-hour program could give you everything you need to find an infinite source of knowledge and adventure?

It’s not enough to rage against the lie.. you’ve got to replace it with the truth. – Bono

Isn’t it about time you got to replace desperation with adventure, knowledge, growth, and fulfillment?

Here’s a 4-question interview that could increase thriving – for you, your family, your work/group/community, and beyond!



1. If you could see more fulfillment in 1 area of life, which would you choose to start with?

  • more for myself
  • more for my existing love relationship
  • more for my family
  • more for my office/organization/work environment
  • more for my group/community
  • more for my culture/subculture
  • more for the planet/humanity at large
  • more fulfillment for Isness / Emergence

2. In the area you chose to start with in question 1, imagine 1 thing that could contribute to your sense of fulfillment in that area. What comes to mind?

3. Quantify it – How could you describe your answer to question 2 in measurable terms? How much, by when; how would you be able to know when question 2 were satisfied?

4. Request it – What request could you make (of ourself or of someone(s) around you) that would contribute to your answer to question 3 happening?

5. Skillful Means – On a scale of 0-10, how effective are your requests at getting what you outlined in question 3? 0 = not at all; 10 = I have gotten my request so abundantly met that I’m utterly and completely fulfilled in the area I chose in question 1.


If your answer to question 5 was 6 or below, you could be more effective in delivering Powerful Requests. You may want to consider enrolling in a coaching program or in a Teleclass directed at helping you strengthen that muscle.

If you had difficulty answering any of questions 2-4, consider calling to schedule a free coaching consultation as a gift to yourself. You cannot fulfill what you cannot name, quanitify and ask for. Give yourself the gift of clarity as a first step.

If you found questions 1-4 easy, and you *still* don’t experience the level of fulfillment you want in your question 1 domain, this is good news – the next step is obvious. Here’s why:

Like a dealt hand of cards, we each hold a specific set of skills, perceptions, tendencies, and inclinations on how to respond to our world. And, like a hand of cards, this set of cards is limited and often insufficient. Imagine you hold a whole deck of cards in your hands – you could win basically any card game you want to play!

If you already had the cards you needed to win the game of fulfillment in the domain you chose in question 1 – you’d already be winning. If you’re not winning, it’s because you don’t have the cards you need – it’s time to get them from someone else. This is why more and more people are turning to Coaches: life coaches, career coaches, financial coaches, organizational development coaches, spiritual coaches, communication coaches…or Integrated Coaches.

Integrated Coaches are coaches trained in The Integrated Approach (TIA). TIA Coaches a trained to help you uncover and recognize the areas where skills, perceptions, tendencies and inclinations are insufficient to expand fulfillment. TIA Coaches can then ask questions or provide recommendations for how to build those skills, widen those perceptions, balance those tendencies, and integrate new inclinations with the prior ones.

Ready to take the first step toward leaving the “quiet desperation” behind?

A single free hour could enhance your adventure, knowledge, growth and fulfillment.

Call and set a free appointment today! 1.877.535.5438

Here’s to your thriving!

Thank you Love!

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