Posts Tagged 'TIA – heart'

True Definition of Compersion – A Rant

In 2005 I was invited to speak at a polyamory conference.  I was new to the whole concept of ethical non-monogamy, and at that conference I learned and experienced this definition for this word:

Compersion – the joy one feels from witnessing another’s joy.

This moved me so deeply.  We see compersion on children when one kid smiles radiantly while witnessing another kid’s joyful play and fun.  I enjoyed compersion routinely as a coach, when I saw clients go from a place of struggle to a place of freedom – I felt profound joy when I saw them experiencing the joy of their newly discovered freedom.

I thought, “Ohhhhhh…Thank Goodness…the world is learning to tap into a more abundant source of our shared joy and delight…”  I had hope that this word would influence the mainstream and help awaken all of humanity to more of our Divine Hearts, our Christ Consciousness, our Spiritual Essences having a Human Awakening.

But somehow, in the last 10 years, the definition of Compersion on the Internet has become sexualized, twisted, and impacted by flagrant reductionism.

Now when I search for “define compersion” – I get these kinds of definitions:

– The joy a lover feels when his lover is having sex with another.

– A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

– The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.

Wikipedia, For Cripe Sake, in its most brilliant coup of massive irresponsibility that I’ve seen yet, redirects “compersion” to “polyamory”, as if one was synonymous with the other!  JEEZ.

Compersion, people, has Nothing To Do with Sex.  It also has Nothing to do with Polyamory, Jealousy or Relationships.  The term “compersion” came alive in common use in poly circles because people who Love Joy – Feel Compersion – Often.  But that doesn’t make Compersion any more about polyamory than using the word “computer”, which poly folk also use often.

Compersion is about face of Appreciation – anyone who has the capacity to open their heart to appreciate the joy of another human being is capable of experiencing compersion.

One might be standing on a corner, see a total stranger across the street dancing in great joy (see also, Ellen Dance Dares) – and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the other person’s joy.

One might be babysitting a toddler, see the toddler squeal in happiness over a toy, and feel compersion – the joy of witnessing the toddler’s joy.

One might be with a sibling, talking about his or her passion for photography, and feel compersion – experiencing joy for the sibling’s joy.

“I’m so moved and happy that you’re so happy.”  When this statement is true, it’s a reflection of Compersion.

Yes, it’s true that folks who are living responsible committed plural relationships experience compersion about their Beloveds’ joys – but any monogamous person with emotional maturity will also Experience Joy when their Loved Ones Have Joy.

Compersion can happen in sexual and plural-relationship environments, but Not Only in sexual and plural relationship environments.

So please, folks, let’s stop reducing life and joy to The Sexing and let’s remember the full breadth of our Divine Nature to Appreciate and Love, please?

Compersion – The feeling of profound Joy one experiences while experiencing another human being in Joy.

I hope for all of us to experience more Compersion, Every Day.


The Indignant Face of Love



“Depressed” Writes In

I’m copying here a post I wrote in response to someone who was depressed.

I hope it helps others too.



Question: How does a person who has been treated for anxiety and depression for create a good life using the power of the mind (which is naturally negative an confused due to brain chemistry, genes and life experience)? How does one create more positive than negative experiences with this genetic make-up? (A cry for help) Am I doomed?

My response:

Not doomed!

#1 – Use, “Thoughts are things” to your advantage – Transform depressing beliefs and thoughts about pain, frustration or upset into an understanding of what you Yearn for that is at the root of your pain. This is very healing. For every negative, pessimistic thought there is either a need to grieve or a need to integrate a value from the subconscious to the conscious so that the Divine that you Are can stand up for what is needed.

I know a *lot* about the question you’re asking – I had a Coach Certification school and healed my own life with the work I taught – I live it still daily. Let me know when or if you want more. Grieve, baby, your sadness is a guide that points to the Hand of Divinity that you Are.

#2 – Watch your body – diet, sleep, movement. You can’t feel better if your biochemistry is out of whack. For one – healthy organic non-gmo food – We are surrounded by toxins, and many things the body needs to stabilize emotion – are not in our daily diet! Some great starters – I do 5K Vitamin D a day, daily Vitamin C (1000mg), eat Live whole food not premade manufactured stuff, lower your carb intake to 130 carbs a day (drop almost all refined carbs and sugars totally), and make sure your Seratonin levels are supported (sleep until your body wakes organically, make sure you have SOME healthy complex carbs – 20-30g – each meal), increase your iodine intake (our RDA is 150mg/day, Asian populations take in 13,000mg/day, I take 5 drops of Thyadine a day). Walk 5-15 minutes a day. Get sunshine at least 15min a day. If you have constipation – eat 6-8 fistfuls of above-ground veggies every day to help clean out your gut and stay regular every day. These go a LONG way to helping your body chemistry.

#3 – Make a commitment to your joy – and then make daily ways to feed your joy. Do you get enough sleep? Do you take time for yourself? Do you pamper your body? Make a list of 15 things that you Love to do and that you can do for joy, and do at least 1 every single day, no excuses. Here are some of mine: I love sewing, studying alternative energy stuff, listening to music, dancing, talking to friends over the phone, and doing dress-up (hair and makeup stuff tickles me). Start a list and add to it every chance you get.

#4 – Get off environmental toxins – SLS in our detergents and cleaning products and bathing products, BHT in our canned food, soy causing estrogen dominance, corn / wheat / milk allergies that shift mood, sugar’s negative impact on our immune system and body health, floride in our water and toothpaste, chlorine in our water and pools – all of these effect the body’s chemistry – including emotional states. Some calcify the pituitary gland. Do research, learn, and get yourself free from toxins as much as you possibly can!

#5 – Environmental toxins – fear-mongering TV, news, people wallowing in victim-mentality instead of taking the bull by the horns and standing relentlessly for cooperation toward solution — inadvertently we can immerse our minds and hearts in super-depressing environmental influences. Choose in favor of your Sanity and Change Your Influences to ones that are optimistic, actively being the world they want to see, and supportive.

I could do this for days. Let me know when you are ready for more. I teach about 7 aspects of your BodyMind system, and 3 areas where you can help your Mental Hygiene – so that you can get a fighting chance!

You’re not alone!!

Keep reaching out, we’re out here!


The Butler On Joy – The Butler's Journey

Witness: What’s the Butler’s take on Joy?

Butler: At best, it’s Risky. At worst, it’s a Diversion. If things get too good, that’s right when the other shoe’s gonna drop. Keep your eye on the ball!

Witness: What’s the ball?

Butler: Whatever it takes to provide protection and safety for myself and those I love.

Witness: (No wonder I’m so scatter-y and pace-y – desperation!)

Butler: As the Butler, I’m sad to realize I’m panicked and in desperation.

(releasing grief)

Butler: I’m scared that if I’m not vigilant – working hard – being hard – everything’ll fall apart. We’ll lose everything that makes everyone in here so happy.

Witness: (That’s my father’s voice there.)

Butler: (Trying a mantra – )
I’m willing to consider the possibility
that providing protection and safety and providing for joy
(provisions providing for joy)
can come easily and joyfully.

Butler: My job is to provide for EVERYONE ELSE’s joy! It’s ok if I don’t have it, I provide so that THEY ALL get to have it.

Witness: (That’s my father’s voice there too.)

Butler: I’m willing to consider the possibility
provisions providing for those I care about
can come easily and joyfully.

Butler: What occurs to me, is that the best we have HAS come
easily and joyfully…my work, the apartment, food, our relationships…so much more…

Butler: What occurs to me, is that I don’t have to be hard
to care for the provider piece.

Witness: (This moves me from Hard, to a space of more opening)

Butler: I realize and acknowledge that the BEST provisions
providing for myself and my loved ones
HAVE come to me easily and joyfully.

I’m willing to entertain the idea
that provisions providing for me and my loved ones
DO come to me easily and joyfully.

The joy that I most deeply am isn’t visible / surfacing
ONLY because I’m worried about providing.
When I’m at peace about the provider part,
then the natural joy and well-being that I Am and that my loved ones Are
naturally surfaces.

Butler: What occurs to me,
is that I’ve been worried about providing for Joy, safety and well-being
which is what we all most deeply Are.
That’s funny.
Like worrying about breathing.
The worry itself makes my breath shallow – cuts me off
from the breathing I naturally do.

Butler: What I realize, is that
ONLY WORRYING about providing
from the joy, safety and well-being that naturally is Me and my loved ones.

Butler: What would I do / be differently
in a world where I’m at peace
about the provider thing?

I’d play more with my loved ones.
I’d play more, period.
I’d walk my dog more.
I’d do more things I love more often.

Butler: I realize and acknowledge
that the BEST provisions
providing for myself and my loved ones
DO and HAVE come to me
easily and joyfully

clients – apartment – molly – rumi – pickle jar – so much more

I realize that
only my worrying about providing
pinches me off from the joy I most deeply Am.

I realize that
when I’m at peace about THAT
then the natural joy that I Am
naturally surfaces – the joy takes care of itself.

The Queen of Shadow Work

Today a friend called me “The Queen of Shadow Work”.

I didn’t know what to make of that at first, and then I realized, “I could own that. I am that!”

I can see where it’s true that I dedicate my life and energies to shadow work and skills for developing the self-line:

– I have a bullshit meter a mile long that sees when people are operating out of bullshit
– I have a set of skills I practice daily toward cleaning up my own shadow and developing my own self-line – this is my life practice
– given my childhood I needed a ton of healing, shadow work, skill development and practice – so I’ve got a ton of experience doing it
– I’ve been offering my best proven practices to others in my coaching and in my Coach Certification program for over 19 years.

Would you find more freedom or power by doing shadow work?

Self-Line Self-Test

Here are 8 ways to know if you have shadow work to do:

– Is there something you want to experience but think you can’t, or think you can’t talk about?
– Do you have unresolved conflicts in your life, or relationships in your life where you choose to bite your tongue rather than speak your truth?
– Do you have some unresolved childhood or adult trauma?
– Are you keeping some big, dark secret?
– Do you ever argue with yourself or with others?
– Do you have a pain or frustration that recurs in your life?
– Are there any areas of yourself, others, culture or humanity that you avoid or stay away from?
– Do you ever have moments of emotional trigger, judgment, irritation, resistance, defensiveness, or contraction?

We ALL have more shadow work we could do, or we’d all be enlightened beings already walking on water.

If any of the list fits you, and if you want more freedom, more peace of mind, and more power in the we-space of your world, shadow work and skill development can help you.

Let’s face it, no one teaches this in school, and yoga, mindfulness and meditation practices simply are NOT enough.

Mindfulness and Meditation Aren’t Enough

Have you ever met anyone who could go do yoga, meditate at 7am every morning for an hour, and still not work out relationship issues? Have you ever met someone very skilled at mindfulness who still gets irritated and frustrated and caught up in the same issues over and over again?

For those of us who think our mindfulness and meditation will save us, that’s not enough. At best, these ascendant practices are only 1/2 the work.

At worst, they are just Spiritual Bypasses.

Sitting on a cushion isn’t enough. Sweep life under the carpet, and life will keep coming back until we address it. While we don’t practice effective we-space skills and clean up our we-space residues, we continue to carry them.

Mindfully stepping outside our issues and observing them, alone, will not free us. Observation and objectification of life is a great pattern interrupter, but like it or not, we are spirit IN A BODYMIND, so we also need to also integrate practical, daily habits that cultivate the kinds of experience we want.

The spiritual bypass of thinking “thoughts are things”, alone, will not free us. Our ability to manifest experience what we DO want is only as powerful as our practical habits to generate what we want and be free from habits that cultivate what we DON’T want.

The spiritual bypass of sitting as gurus on mountains or well-cultivated practitioners in our isolated communities is not enough and will not free our planet – we are all interconnected. World circumstances increasingly require us to wake up and pay attention to each other. Wars in other countries become our wars. Illnesses in other countries become our illnesses. Economic issues on Wall Street change what happens on Main Street, affect jobs across the nation, and impact economies around the globe.

What Next?

If we’re not doing spiritual bypass, what do we do?

In my work I offer proven practices for shadow work, for developing the self line, and for freeing ourselves from the conscious and unconscious fears that run our lives and impact our relationships.

For more information, call me at 914.882.9667 or send a blank email to mayagayam@gmail dot com with the subject line, “SUBSCRIBE” to get news about events and freebies I offer.

Dissolving into Isness

I’m hanging out a bit with the Deida community again.  On a post there I wrote this quote, and it was quoted back to me as being helpful, so I thought I’d share it here.  It’s a part of my regular practice:

I ask myself, “What’s left in me when activism/action, surrender/release to God, and distraction are no longer options?”

It leaves me burning in the fire. It leaves me grieving. And when the full grief and the fire finally dissolve, i’m left….Open beyond myself…

How To Permanently Free Yourself of Fear

Do you realize that your fear…your contraction…your closure…are all simply by-products of your ungrieved pain?

Find the path to full and complete grief, and you find the path to liberation from fear – permanently.

A brother is killed by terrorists. One sibling fears terrorists. If this sibling grieves fully, this sibling finds infinite liberation from the illusion of victimhood, thus freedom from fear. Another sibling acts out of blind vengence couched as “justice”. If fully grieved, this sibling finds action based in powerful equanimity and clarity.

A woman decides she hates men. Ask her her story, and you find she experienced painful breakups or painful yearning for what she has not yet found. In the former, her hatred is based in the ungrieved pain about what happened, and fear that the situation will happen again. In the latter, her hatred is based in core heartbreak she has not grieved. If fully grieved, this woman’s hatred will transform to peace, radiance, and effortless magnetism.

To learn a 3-Breath process for completing the grief process fully, email gail at integratedcoaches dot com, or ask for it in a comment, below!

Transform "The Secret" To Results in 30 Minutes Or Less

Are you one of my friends who’s hooked on “The Secret”?

Or are you a critic of “The Secret”?

I like “The Secret”, within reason. Just like the book, “Think And Grow Rich”, and the book, “The Science of Getting Rich”, I won’t deny that how we think effects what we do and how we do it. Where ever we go, there we are, and there our beliefs are that come with us.

However, I also think that the concept, “Thoughts are Things” only partly gets the job done. I’ve lots of friends who subscribe to, “The Secret” who are still “trying” to get what they want.

Like many other practices, I think it’s necessary, but insufficient.

Here’s what I mean – in short —

  • Affirmations without action risk producing nothing but self-chatter.
  • Action without connection to the driving value risks becoming tedious drudgery and ‘have to’s.
  • Understanding the driving values without *experiencing* it viscerally risks living as cognitive reporting without the life juice of emotion.

You’ve heard me talk about this quad before (values, thoughts, action, emotion) if you’ve taken my 10-Minute Manifestor ™ course.

And you’ve heard me talk about the whole system of you (mind, body, spirit, heart, gut, action, environment) if you’ve done anything with The Integrated Approach (TIA – “TEE-ah”).

Meanwhile, here’s a way you can Transform “The Secret” To Results in 30 Minutes Or Less!


    1. Decide what it is you want to manifest. Your response might be something like, “more love”, “more money”, or “more delight about my job”.


  • Transform the “more” into measurables. How will you know when you’ve landed? How much? By when? Your response might be something like, “A life partner before Dec 2009” or “$10K more income by Nov. 15th” or “I rank myself at a 7 or above of delight (on a scale of 10) about my job by this time next week”.



  • Name 1-3 underlying values you’re trying to fulfill with this desire. (For a list of core motives, underlying values, universal needs, go to page 2 of this document)



  • For 90 seconds, experience the joy, delight and fulfillment of what it looks like when you’ve ALREADY experienced fulfillment of #1. What do you feel? Where in your body do you feel it? What’s different about your posture, your emotions, how you think, how you talk, or how you act? How are others treating you differently? How does that feel? Stay with this until you experience the delight at a 7 or above (on a scale of 10).



  • This is the important part: As soon as you have hit your 7-or-above on #5, go do something right now that is precisely what you’d be doing when you are already fulfilled on this thing that you want. This isn’t about doing something *toward* getting what you want. You can (and likely will) do that later. This is about embodying that you are already there, right now. If your desire was for “more love”, maybe right now you’ll spend 10 minutes journaling and cherishing how fulfilling it is to have so much love in your life. If your desire was for “more money”, maybe what you’d do right now is go relax in the sunshine for 10 minutes and enjoy the breeze – now that you have what you need you can rest. If your desire was for “more delight about work”, maybe what you’ll do right now is a bit more work you love, because that’s what you’d do right now if you were in love with your work.


By combining “The Secret” with complementary practices from other domains, we get a tool that gets the job done more quickly, more effectively, and with longer-lasting results. How else can you “melt the ice cube from all sides”(tm) ?

Try it and tell me your results, below!!


Thank you Love!

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